Friday, October 31, 2003
I would rather be fishing
Cool air kisses me and sends a shiver down my back. As I look towards the Sierra Nevadas, I only see dark clouds that look peacefully rested on the high mountain tops.
Today is Halloween and the there is cloud cover. I am sure that the little children are hoping that it will not rain until after they return home with their goodies that they collected from the neighbors.
The air is still and my heart is soothed with the late arrival of fall, though it already feels a bit like winter. It is a pity that I am stuck in an office without a window on the first gloomy day I have seen in a while.
If I could be any where right now, I think I would like to be on the lake in my boat. On a peaceful, quiet, still lake patiently fishing. Listening to the sound of nothing. Basking in my thoughts and reflections. Drinking hot coffee, with a sandwich for a snack.
Cool air kisses me and sends a shiver down my back. As I look towards the Sierra Nevadas, I only see dark clouds that look peacefully rested on the high mountain tops.
Today is Halloween and the there is cloud cover. I am sure that the little children are hoping that it will not rain until after they return home with their goodies that they collected from the neighbors.
The air is still and my heart is soothed with the late arrival of fall, though it already feels a bit like winter. It is a pity that I am stuck in an office without a window on the first gloomy day I have seen in a while.
If I could be any where right now, I think I would like to be on the lake in my boat. On a peaceful, quiet, still lake patiently fishing. Listening to the sound of nothing. Basking in my thoughts and reflections. Drinking hot coffee, with a sandwich for a snack.
Thursday, October 30, 2003
My Still and Quiet Stream
I sit at home at 5:15pm and it is quiet. I have made it this way out of selfishness.
All lights are off except the one in my office where I write this. I have made it this way. Children outside paying, I can hear their yelling and laughing. I have made it this way by leaving my window open. I have made this stillness out of selfishness, because really, I should not be here.
I should maybe be at my friend Jason's going away party. I have known Jason longer then most of the people who will be at the party. I knew Jason when he was married, and I am one of the few who knows who and what Dayspring Looks like. What was once a personal friendship grew into an acquaintance type of relationship, so I stay home. I am thankful of the memories of Jason and I.
Maybe I should be at my friend Brian's party. Brian who has reason to celebrate, I choose to stay home out of selfishness. My wife will be there, but I choose to stay here in my stillness. I am grateful that she accepts that. I hope my friends will.
I long for the fast pace rapids in my stream, but tonight I choose to stay and be quiet and still. Why? I don't know, but I am here and it feels good.
I sit at home at 5:15pm and it is quiet. I have made it this way out of selfishness.
All lights are off except the one in my office where I write this. I have made it this way. Children outside paying, I can hear their yelling and laughing. I have made it this way by leaving my window open. I have made this stillness out of selfishness, because really, I should not be here.
I should maybe be at my friend Jason's going away party. I have known Jason longer then most of the people who will be at the party. I knew Jason when he was married, and I am one of the few who knows who and what Dayspring Looks like. What was once a personal friendship grew into an acquaintance type of relationship, so I stay home. I am thankful of the memories of Jason and I.
Maybe I should be at my friend Brian's party. Brian who has reason to celebrate, I choose to stay home out of selfishness. My wife will be there, but I choose to stay here in my stillness. I am grateful that she accepts that. I hope my friends will.
I long for the fast pace rapids in my stream, but tonight I choose to stay and be quiet and still. Why? I don't know, but I am here and it feels good.
Willie's blog
I read my friend Will's blog yesterday and today. I read the same entry 3 times. Actually he has only one entry, so I didn't have a choice on what to read.
I like what he wrote about finding the moment or taking the moment out of the flow of life. How true is that?! Life one big liquid flow of emotions, challenges with failures and victories.
The liquid flow of my life has been like a stream. Some parts raging at a fast pace, other times still and quiet. There have been times where it has been shallow and rocky, and a few times completely dried up. Today it is at a slow flow, almost still.
The surroundings of my life stream also change from time to time. Sometimes it is green and flush and others dead and dry.
I read my friend Will's blog yesterday and today. I read the same entry 3 times. Actually he has only one entry, so I didn't have a choice on what to read.
I like what he wrote about finding the moment or taking the moment out of the flow of life. How true is that?! Life one big liquid flow of emotions, challenges with failures and victories.
The liquid flow of my life has been like a stream. Some parts raging at a fast pace, other times still and quiet. There have been times where it has been shallow and rocky, and a few times completely dried up. Today it is at a slow flow, almost still.
The surroundings of my life stream also change from time to time. Sometimes it is green and flush and others dead and dry.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
S.O.S.
Who will save our city from this Krispy Cream Invasion?!?
I drove past it this morning and they had several cars in line, plus they had cones up to help direct traffic. I drove by shaking my head, "you poor lost souls."
But it got worse. At church today they were selling Krispy Cream gift cards as a fund raiser. Then during the church service, Pastor Dan offered a free Krispy Cream Donut to any one who had never had one. Krispy has invaded my church! Oh Lord help us!!!
See as a Probation Officer, I have extensive knowledge on the drug trade. What I saw here at church is not much different. See drug dealers give out freebees if you will, to get people hooked, then before you know it your an addict. Throwing your money at the man for another fix.
See, Dan (as a pusher for the Krispy Man) is giving that little freebee. Then you want another one, then another and then your spending large amounts of money a week for this little powder puff of sugar.
Am I the only one who sees what's going on here?!?
By the way, I stood strong and did not give in to the free Krispy Donut offered this morning. My boycott stands strong.
On a more serious note.
I judged a man today at church. I saw a man who had several gang related tattoos on his body. I judged him as a person who was not willing to clean up himself before coming to church. What I mean is, if he was ready to come to God, he would of tried to cover up his tattoos, and by not doing so he was basically advertising that he was a Fresno Bulldog. (A very serious street and prison gang out of Fresno)
I realize that my thinking of this way is completely wrong. It is kinda hard though. For 40 hours a week, gang members are my enemy and I am theirs. In the field, it is an "us against them" mentality. I surpress gang activity and I enjoy it. I ran the gang unit at the Juvenile hall for 2 years, and most of my kids on my case load are gang involved. I drive different routes to work everyday. I sleep with a gun next to my bed and sometimes carry it with me. I am aware of the dangers and violence that comes with gangs. I fear it, though I will never ever show, for fear is weakness.
I know that if they are going to change, it has to be a God thing, but when they show up on my home turf I become hypercritical.
For I came as I was and still come as I am. So why can't he?
Forgive me Lord, and bless that man.
Who will save our city from this Krispy Cream Invasion?!?
I drove past it this morning and they had several cars in line, plus they had cones up to help direct traffic. I drove by shaking my head, "you poor lost souls."
But it got worse. At church today they were selling Krispy Cream gift cards as a fund raiser. Then during the church service, Pastor Dan offered a free Krispy Cream Donut to any one who had never had one. Krispy has invaded my church! Oh Lord help us!!!
See as a Probation Officer, I have extensive knowledge on the drug trade. What I saw here at church is not much different. See drug dealers give out freebees if you will, to get people hooked, then before you know it your an addict. Throwing your money at the man for another fix.
See, Dan (as a pusher for the Krispy Man) is giving that little freebee. Then you want another one, then another and then your spending large amounts of money a week for this little powder puff of sugar.
Am I the only one who sees what's going on here?!?
By the way, I stood strong and did not give in to the free Krispy Donut offered this morning. My boycott stands strong.
On a more serious note.
I judged a man today at church. I saw a man who had several gang related tattoos on his body. I judged him as a person who was not willing to clean up himself before coming to church. What I mean is, if he was ready to come to God, he would of tried to cover up his tattoos, and by not doing so he was basically advertising that he was a Fresno Bulldog. (A very serious street and prison gang out of Fresno)
I realize that my thinking of this way is completely wrong. It is kinda hard though. For 40 hours a week, gang members are my enemy and I am theirs. In the field, it is an "us against them" mentality. I surpress gang activity and I enjoy it. I ran the gang unit at the Juvenile hall for 2 years, and most of my kids on my case load are gang involved. I drive different routes to work everyday. I sleep with a gun next to my bed and sometimes carry it with me. I am aware of the dangers and violence that comes with gangs. I fear it, though I will never ever show, for fear is weakness.
I know that if they are going to change, it has to be a God thing, but when they show up on my home turf I become hypercritical.
For I came as I was and still come as I am. So why can't he?
Forgive me Lord, and bless that man.
BOYCOTT
Audrey and I went to Target Great Land yesterday. The new Krispy Cream opened up yesterday which is located next to Target. At 4pm there was a long line of cars in the drive-through waiting for donuts.
What the heck is going on here! Don't people know that it is late in the afternoon and they are going to spoil their dinners?!? What's is this city coming too?!? This corporate monster must be stopped! I use to think Walmart was the enemy, but now I declare Krispy Cream public enemy #1.
No longer will I allow this corporate beast to add inches to my fellow American's waist lines! No longer will I allow them to spoil dinners! I will not stand for this invasion of surgar and grease! Back to wear you came from Krispy, you are not wanted here!!!!!
I AM TAKING YOU DOWN!
I propose a Boycott! I will not be corrupted by this corporate monster!
Audrey and I went to Target Great Land yesterday. The new Krispy Cream opened up yesterday which is located next to Target. At 4pm there was a long line of cars in the drive-through waiting for donuts.
What the heck is going on here! Don't people know that it is late in the afternoon and they are going to spoil their dinners?!? What's is this city coming too?!? This corporate monster must be stopped! I use to think Walmart was the enemy, but now I declare Krispy Cream public enemy #1.
No longer will I allow this corporate beast to add inches to my fellow American's waist lines! No longer will I allow them to spoil dinners! I will not stand for this invasion of surgar and grease! Back to wear you came from Krispy, you are not wanted here!!!!!
I AM TAKING YOU DOWN!
I propose a Boycott! I will not be corrupted by this corporate monster!
Friday, October 24, 2003
I married a weird one
My wife is an odd ball. Actually one of her nick names is Odd. Women in general are weird, but my wife seems to have gotten more weird during her pregnancy.
For the past two mornings at 6:30 in the morning she has been watching the ultrasound video of our soon to be baby. On top of that she narrates, as if she is now the doctor pointing out the limbs, back, hands and ect... All this while I am trying to get that last half hour of sleep.
Then while she has been getting dressed she has been signing Awana songs in an opera voice. What's going on here, it is way to early for the sparks song! She will also mix up the set of songs by throwing in an old hymn like Onward Christian Soldiers.
Today she told me that she and two of her friends are going to Kirspy Cream tomorrow......At 5:30 in the morning! Now the last time I checked, the place should be open at 11 in the morning as well. So what if it is the Grand Opening.
Here's my thinking. I don't think the donuts will be that good at 5:30 in the morning tomorrow. See, it is the grand opening, so those are all new employees. Sure they all went to Krispy Boot Camp to learn how to make the donuts, but we all now it takes experience to make a delicious donut.
So I think I will wait a week or so before I go there. Give the employees a week to further develop their donut making skills.
I love my wife and to tell you the truth, her singing makes my day that much brighter. Tomorrow, when she gets up to go at 5:30 to go to Krispy Cream, I am going to take advantage of having the bed all to myself because you all know we sleep in a full size bed! More room for me!
My wife is an odd ball. Actually one of her nick names is Odd. Women in general are weird, but my wife seems to have gotten more weird during her pregnancy.
For the past two mornings at 6:30 in the morning she has been watching the ultrasound video of our soon to be baby. On top of that she narrates, as if she is now the doctor pointing out the limbs, back, hands and ect... All this while I am trying to get that last half hour of sleep.
Then while she has been getting dressed she has been signing Awana songs in an opera voice. What's going on here, it is way to early for the sparks song! She will also mix up the set of songs by throwing in an old hymn like Onward Christian Soldiers.
Today she told me that she and two of her friends are going to Kirspy Cream tomorrow......At 5:30 in the morning! Now the last time I checked, the place should be open at 11 in the morning as well. So what if it is the Grand Opening.
Here's my thinking. I don't think the donuts will be that good at 5:30 in the morning tomorrow. See, it is the grand opening, so those are all new employees. Sure they all went to Krispy Boot Camp to learn how to make the donuts, but we all now it takes experience to make a delicious donut.
So I think I will wait a week or so before I go there. Give the employees a week to further develop their donut making skills.
I love my wife and to tell you the truth, her singing makes my day that much brighter. Tomorrow, when she gets up to go at 5:30 to go to Krispy Cream, I am going to take advantage of having the bed all to myself because you all know we sleep in a full size bed! More room for me!
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Its a Girl
Went to Audrey's doctor's appointment today, we found out that we are having a girl. We have chosen the name Gracelyn Tate for her. It still feels surreal. I am excited, but not as much as my wife. The room is all ready prepared. I feel like we are waiting for a guest to arrive. "Yeah Gracelyn should be here some time in March and she will be staying with us for a while."
My friend Tim told me that is doesn't not become real until the moment you hold your child for the first time.
I look forward to that moment.
Went to Audrey's doctor's appointment today, we found out that we are having a girl. We have chosen the name Gracelyn Tate for her. It still feels surreal. I am excited, but not as much as my wife. The room is all ready prepared. I feel like we are waiting for a guest to arrive. "Yeah Gracelyn should be here some time in March and she will be staying with us for a while."
My friend Tim told me that is doesn't not become real until the moment you hold your child for the first time.
I look forward to that moment.
We had a great bible study tonight at my house.
We discussed faith. Before people came over I read a chapter about Faith from C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity. I like what he said in that chapter. A man does not know how bad he is until he tries to be good." How very true that is.
During the study we discussed the difference between a good man v.s. a righteous man. It's funny that most of the righteous men in the bible were all killed. My thought on that is, a good man is only seen as good by men, but a righteous man is seen as good by God. And a righteous man is only seen as righteous by God through Faith, which the bible confirms.
Anyhow, had good fellowship too. Tammy, Monty, Travis and Crista stayed late just hanging out and talking. I enjoyed listening to Monty and Travis talk about how Crista's father does not fully approve of their relationship and how Tammy's father did not really care for Monty when they were dating too. It was cool to hear their stories.
I love the study part and the prayer that takes place in our group, but I love more the stories people share, which are really testimonies.
Travis and Crista are starting a street ministry in Fresno on Friday nights and Tuesdays nights at the skate part in Visalia, completely on their own. Totally separate from the church. I don't even think the their church knows about it. How cool is that?!?
I spoke about validation a couple of days ago. I think if I did do something like that I would want my church to know, just out of selfish reasons, which would be "Hey look what I am doing for Christ. Now can I get some kudos?"
We discussed faith. Before people came over I read a chapter about Faith from C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianity. I like what he said in that chapter. A man does not know how bad he is until he tries to be good." How very true that is.
During the study we discussed the difference between a good man v.s. a righteous man. It's funny that most of the righteous men in the bible were all killed. My thought on that is, a good man is only seen as good by men, but a righteous man is seen as good by God. And a righteous man is only seen as righteous by God through Faith, which the bible confirms.
Anyhow, had good fellowship too. Tammy, Monty, Travis and Crista stayed late just hanging out and talking. I enjoyed listening to Monty and Travis talk about how Crista's father does not fully approve of their relationship and how Tammy's father did not really care for Monty when they were dating too. It was cool to hear their stories.
I love the study part and the prayer that takes place in our group, but I love more the stories people share, which are really testimonies.
Travis and Crista are starting a street ministry in Fresno on Friday nights and Tuesdays nights at the skate part in Visalia, completely on their own. Totally separate from the church. I don't even think the their church knows about it. How cool is that?!?
I spoke about validation a couple of days ago. I think if I did do something like that I would want my church to know, just out of selfish reasons, which would be "Hey look what I am doing for Christ. Now can I get some kudos?"
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Godly Discipline or God's sense of humor?
After work today I was exhausted. Actually I was exhausted from the time I woke up this morning. I told Audrey this morning that I hated our bed because I cant get comfortable and I don't sleep well. You see, Audrey and I sleep on a full size bed. I dream of the day that we buy a King size bed. I am always tempted to call those phone numbers you see on t.v. selling those beds for old people. They look so comfortable, plus when you buy one you get a free 20 inch screen t.v.
Anyhow, I was not planning on going to church tonight. I though that I would enjoy my at night home and relax. We have a doctors appointment at 10:30 in the morning, so I was planning to just sleep in, go to the appointment and then go to work. Key word was.
After a while, I began to feel guilty not going to church. I felt bad because I told my Friends Tim, Russ, Scott,and Tony, who all I saw yesterday, "See you tomorrow tonight." I felt obligated to go, because I told people that I would be there. So I went.
I arrived, said hi to a few people and kinda hung out. I was not needed to run the power point, so after participating in worship, I snuck out and went back home and got myself some dinner and a nice cold one.
I left with out saying good by because I did not want to explain why I wanted to go back home. I also did not want any guilt trips.
So, now I am at home. I heated up my frozen fish sticks and got me a cold one. Shoes are off and I was surfing the net, looking at despair. Com. Funny web site.
Then I get a call from my friend Scott. He was upset that I just took off with out saying by. Now I feel bad. My peaceful night is starting to fade away with stress now, because I may have offended people.
About 20 minutes later I get a call from my wife, who was still at church. She asked what I was doing. I told her I was just kicking back, and I then asked if she was mad because I left church early. She said no, but she needed my help. I said "sure what's up?"
She told me that she had a flat tire and that she needed me to come back to the church to change the tire.
Great, so much for my relaxing night at home. I wonder if Tim saw me leaving and shot a quick prayer up to God. "Lord, I know you see Mike leaving. Strike him."
So it is now 9:30, I just got home about 15 minutes ago, I now have to take my wife's car in to a tire shop to have the tire repaired instead of sleeping in. Plus the money I was going to use to buy the Indiana Jones DVD Box set will now be used for tire repair.
So Tim, I promise that I will never ever walkout on one of your sermons again, just don't send God after me again.
After work today I was exhausted. Actually I was exhausted from the time I woke up this morning. I told Audrey this morning that I hated our bed because I cant get comfortable and I don't sleep well. You see, Audrey and I sleep on a full size bed. I dream of the day that we buy a King size bed. I am always tempted to call those phone numbers you see on t.v. selling those beds for old people. They look so comfortable, plus when you buy one you get a free 20 inch screen t.v.
Anyhow, I was not planning on going to church tonight. I though that I would enjoy my at night home and relax. We have a doctors appointment at 10:30 in the morning, so I was planning to just sleep in, go to the appointment and then go to work. Key word was.
After a while, I began to feel guilty not going to church. I felt bad because I told my Friends Tim, Russ, Scott,and Tony, who all I saw yesterday, "See you tomorrow tonight." I felt obligated to go, because I told people that I would be there. So I went.
I arrived, said hi to a few people and kinda hung out. I was not needed to run the power point, so after participating in worship, I snuck out and went back home and got myself some dinner and a nice cold one.
I left with out saying good by because I did not want to explain why I wanted to go back home. I also did not want any guilt trips.
So, now I am at home. I heated up my frozen fish sticks and got me a cold one. Shoes are off and I was surfing the net, looking at despair. Com. Funny web site.
Then I get a call from my friend Scott. He was upset that I just took off with out saying by. Now I feel bad. My peaceful night is starting to fade away with stress now, because I may have offended people.
About 20 minutes later I get a call from my wife, who was still at church. She asked what I was doing. I told her I was just kicking back, and I then asked if she was mad because I left church early. She said no, but she needed my help. I said "sure what's up?"
She told me that she had a flat tire and that she needed me to come back to the church to change the tire.
Great, so much for my relaxing night at home. I wonder if Tim saw me leaving and shot a quick prayer up to God. "Lord, I know you see Mike leaving. Strike him."
So it is now 9:30, I just got home about 15 minutes ago, I now have to take my wife's car in to a tire shop to have the tire repaired instead of sleeping in. Plus the money I was going to use to buy the Indiana Jones DVD Box set will now be used for tire repair.
So Tim, I promise that I will never ever walkout on one of your sermons again, just don't send God after me again.
Baby Jesus
It has been baby week around here. Our good friends David and Melissa had a baby boy last Thursday, and our new friends Tammy and Monty had their baby last Sunday. Both babies are first borns for these couples and are both boys. Baby Gavin and baby Login. ( I hope I spelled their names right.) So we made are rounds visiting our friends and adoring their new borns.
I am absolutely amazed how dependent these little children are upon their parents. These babies, well in fact, all babies are dependent upon their parents for warmth, food, love, cleaning, dressing and safety. This is not really revolutionary thinking here, but as I laid in bed I could not help but think of baby Jesus.
Jesus the Christ. Jesus the son of God who died on a Cross for the Sins of the world. Jesus, who rose from the dead on the 3rd day. Jesus who kicked butt in the temple throwing tables around. Jesus who walked on water. The Jesus who healed people and rose people from the dead. You get the picture, yeah that Jesus. He was once a small child completely vulnerable and dependent upon Mary his mother and Joseph his father.
God dependent upon men for a short time. Not dependent upon a spiritual basis, but a physical one. Needing safety, food, and warmth.
It's hard for me to understand why God would put himself in that position. I mean Jesus could of descended from heaven at age 30 and start his ministry then, but rather he came as a child born in a manger. They ways of God puzzle me, as they should.
It has been baby week around here. Our good friends David and Melissa had a baby boy last Thursday, and our new friends Tammy and Monty had their baby last Sunday. Both babies are first borns for these couples and are both boys. Baby Gavin and baby Login. ( I hope I spelled their names right.) So we made are rounds visiting our friends and adoring their new borns.
I am absolutely amazed how dependent these little children are upon their parents. These babies, well in fact, all babies are dependent upon their parents for warmth, food, love, cleaning, dressing and safety. This is not really revolutionary thinking here, but as I laid in bed I could not help but think of baby Jesus.
Jesus the Christ. Jesus the son of God who died on a Cross for the Sins of the world. Jesus, who rose from the dead on the 3rd day. Jesus who kicked butt in the temple throwing tables around. Jesus who walked on water. The Jesus who healed people and rose people from the dead. You get the picture, yeah that Jesus. He was once a small child completely vulnerable and dependent upon Mary his mother and Joseph his father.
God dependent upon men for a short time. Not dependent upon a spiritual basis, but a physical one. Needing safety, food, and warmth.
It's hard for me to understand why God would put himself in that position. I mean Jesus could of descended from heaven at age 30 and start his ministry then, but rather he came as a child born in a manger. They ways of God puzzle me, as they should.
Sunday, October 19, 2003
In the words of Dan Mc Swain (who is an awesome guy)
" I have nothing"
So, with that said, I am going to read other people's blog pages.
" I have nothing"
So, with that said, I am going to read other people's blog pages.
Saturday, October 18, 2003
Identification Numbers
The Pixies have a song called This Monkey is Going to heaven.
Part of the song goes
" if man is 5 and the devil is 6, that makes God 7"
Jason and I had a name for our little guitar playing/wanna-be band. It was called planet 5, inspired by the Pixies.
Back then, we all had pagers because cell phones were still to expensive. We had little codes for ourselves. I was #65. I picked 65 because I use to have a 65 mustang, and that was the code I used when I had the car. So I felt no need to change my number even though I drove a 85 t-bird, then later on a 91 camery. Willie's number was 007, if I remember right. I have no idea why, maybe he will write about it on his blog page. My girlfriend at the time used the #27. The number 2 was her favorite number and 7 is mine. Juvenile puppy love uh? But we were all young, between the ages of 19 and 24. I was the youngest at 19. Our friend Joey used the #318 because he drove a black 318 BMW. Good times rolling around town in that car. And at last Jason used the number 555, I guess because of the Pixie song.
I know why we used those number when we paged each other and I know how we got those numbers, but my question is who gave Man, the Devil and God those numbers. Why is the devil 666, and God 777. Are those numbers even in the Bible? I looked, I couldn't find them.
I still have a pager, it is mostly used for work. I hope I never get a page with the call numbers 666, and what do I do if I get one that is 777?
The Pixies have a song called This Monkey is Going to heaven.
Part of the song goes
" if man is 5 and the devil is 6, that makes God 7"
Jason and I had a name for our little guitar playing/wanna-be band. It was called planet 5, inspired by the Pixies.
Back then, we all had pagers because cell phones were still to expensive. We had little codes for ourselves. I was #65. I picked 65 because I use to have a 65 mustang, and that was the code I used when I had the car. So I felt no need to change my number even though I drove a 85 t-bird, then later on a 91 camery. Willie's number was 007, if I remember right. I have no idea why, maybe he will write about it on his blog page. My girlfriend at the time used the #27. The number 2 was her favorite number and 7 is mine. Juvenile puppy love uh? But we were all young, between the ages of 19 and 24. I was the youngest at 19. Our friend Joey used the #318 because he drove a black 318 BMW. Good times rolling around town in that car. And at last Jason used the number 555, I guess because of the Pixie song.
I know why we used those number when we paged each other and I know how we got those numbers, but my question is who gave Man, the Devil and God those numbers. Why is the devil 666, and God 777. Are those numbers even in the Bible? I looked, I couldn't find them.
I still have a pager, it is mostly used for work. I hope I never get a page with the call numbers 666, and what do I do if I get one that is 777?
Afternoon Beer
I spent time with one of my closets friends today. Jason is one of my best friends. He lives in San Francisco, so I don't get to hang out with him much. We have a lot of history together. We were room mates during our early college years. We have written songs together, gone on adventures together, and even worked together at a gym and the YMCA. Jason is also one of the most intellectual guys I know.
Today we had a conversation over an afternoon beer. The conversation covered basically three topics, Community, Validation, and Post-Modernism. Its funny that not only he and I have remained friends, but more so that we covered these topics extensively. Its funny because he and I don't go together. Few things bring us together, music, beer, baseball and a personal history together. That's about it. We are separated by things that divide so many people, such as political views, religion, beliefs and geography.
Jason lives in a huge city, I live in a small town. I believe and practice Christianity, Jason does not. I guess I fall under the blanket of conservative, Jason would be liberal. Jason also has a much higher level of education then I do.
It is funny how society says you cant have friendships and community with people who differ so greatly. People in general stick with their own kind. Christians stick with Christians, Muslims with Muslims, Republicans with Republicans. You know the saying, birds of the same feather flock together. And when you try to belong to a community that is different from who you are, a lot of the time you are rejected.
I really don't have a lot to say on this thought, except that I am glad that I have friends who are different from me. Jason and I respect the differences of each other. I enjoy it. It is actually refreshing, and the cool thing is we can share with each other thoughts and ideas without debating or ramming them down each other throat.
I look forward to reading Jason's thesis. It is about community, maybe then I may have something more to add on why communities have to be formed with people who all think and believe a like.
The other topic we covered was Validation. What is it about man wanting validation so bad. I personally seek validation in all forms, even from God. I seek Validation from my wife, in that I am a good husband and human being. I seek validation from society, through the job I have. I must be important because I have a badge and up hold the law. I seek validation from my co-workers, wanting to be recognize as a good officer. I seek validation from church leaders, that I am a good Christian. To be honest, I even seek a little validation through this web page, hoping that those who read these thoughts, will validate that I have something important or insightful to say. And last, part of me maybe seeks Validation from God. Wanting validation of my existence.
I spent time with one of my closets friends today. Jason is one of my best friends. He lives in San Francisco, so I don't get to hang out with him much. We have a lot of history together. We were room mates during our early college years. We have written songs together, gone on adventures together, and even worked together at a gym and the YMCA. Jason is also one of the most intellectual guys I know.
Today we had a conversation over an afternoon beer. The conversation covered basically three topics, Community, Validation, and Post-Modernism. Its funny that not only he and I have remained friends, but more so that we covered these topics extensively. Its funny because he and I don't go together. Few things bring us together, music, beer, baseball and a personal history together. That's about it. We are separated by things that divide so many people, such as political views, religion, beliefs and geography.
Jason lives in a huge city, I live in a small town. I believe and practice Christianity, Jason does not. I guess I fall under the blanket of conservative, Jason would be liberal. Jason also has a much higher level of education then I do.
It is funny how society says you cant have friendships and community with people who differ so greatly. People in general stick with their own kind. Christians stick with Christians, Muslims with Muslims, Republicans with Republicans. You know the saying, birds of the same feather flock together. And when you try to belong to a community that is different from who you are, a lot of the time you are rejected.
I really don't have a lot to say on this thought, except that I am glad that I have friends who are different from me. Jason and I respect the differences of each other. I enjoy it. It is actually refreshing, and the cool thing is we can share with each other thoughts and ideas without debating or ramming them down each other throat.
I look forward to reading Jason's thesis. It is about community, maybe then I may have something more to add on why communities have to be formed with people who all think and believe a like.
The other topic we covered was Validation. What is it about man wanting validation so bad. I personally seek validation in all forms, even from God. I seek Validation from my wife, in that I am a good husband and human being. I seek validation from society, through the job I have. I must be important because I have a badge and up hold the law. I seek validation from my co-workers, wanting to be recognize as a good officer. I seek validation from church leaders, that I am a good Christian. To be honest, I even seek a little validation through this web page, hoping that those who read these thoughts, will validate that I have something important or insightful to say. And last, part of me maybe seeks Validation from God. Wanting validation of my existence.
This song was written in early 2000.
This song and 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 helped me get through one of the biggest battles in my life. My depression got so bad and deep, that Audrey (we were dating at the time) told me that if I did not go to Counseling and seek help she was leaving. The Counseling did not help, actually, I was referred to another counselor for medication, thinking I was bi-polar. I am glad to say this depression passed after a long 8 months and without the help of medication.
This depression started around July, and went through to March. I really don't know how I made it through this time. I would lay in bed not wanting t get up. Sleep and wine was the only thing that really made me feel better. I continued to lead a small College Worship service. I would show up, share something out of the bible go home and cry until I fell asleep. On Sundays, I would force myself out of bed thinking that maybe, just maybe, God would speak to me in church and my hurt would go away. After church, I would leave disappointed and angry, because God did nothing for me. I would leave church as fast as I could avoiding any after church conversations. I would go home and get back in bed.
I remember one time, I was in my bed shut down for the day and Audrey came over. She was at the door, but I could not get up to let her in. I just layed there. She actually found her own way in through the garage and then yelled at me for a minute. Then she began to cry and hugged me. I did not want to be hugged so I tried to roll to the other side, but she would not let go. Then I started crying, we both cried. I think that was the start of the healing my heart needed, someone to just hold me. I then started to gain my strength back. That is when I wrote this song
It has been a long road for this 23 year old
I cant explain where I have been
But I know that God has delivered me since then
Its been a long road for this 23 year old
Cant you see the pain I have endured
God will you be faithful and keep Your word
I was once lost, but now I am found
I was once blind, but now I see
Why cant I see what God has done for me
Why cant I see what God has done for me
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
Its been a long road for this 23 year old
I cant explain where I have been
But I know God has delivered me since then
condemnation, humiliation, exhortation,
aggravation, crucification and Salvation
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
BUT, I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
DEMONS PUSH THEY PULL THEY PRY
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
The happy ending to this story is that I grew spiritually and in love with Audrey. I never prayed so hard in my life. The song still applies, just my age is now 26 and the thorn changes form from time to time.
This song and 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10 helped me get through one of the biggest battles in my life. My depression got so bad and deep, that Audrey (we were dating at the time) told me that if I did not go to Counseling and seek help she was leaving. The Counseling did not help, actually, I was referred to another counselor for medication, thinking I was bi-polar. I am glad to say this depression passed after a long 8 months and without the help of medication.
This depression started around July, and went through to March. I really don't know how I made it through this time. I would lay in bed not wanting t get up. Sleep and wine was the only thing that really made me feel better. I continued to lead a small College Worship service. I would show up, share something out of the bible go home and cry until I fell asleep. On Sundays, I would force myself out of bed thinking that maybe, just maybe, God would speak to me in church and my hurt would go away. After church, I would leave disappointed and angry, because God did nothing for me. I would leave church as fast as I could avoiding any after church conversations. I would go home and get back in bed.
I remember one time, I was in my bed shut down for the day and Audrey came over. She was at the door, but I could not get up to let her in. I just layed there. She actually found her own way in through the garage and then yelled at me for a minute. Then she began to cry and hugged me. I did not want to be hugged so I tried to roll to the other side, but she would not let go. Then I started crying, we both cried. I think that was the start of the healing my heart needed, someone to just hold me. I then started to gain my strength back. That is when I wrote this song
It has been a long road for this 23 year old
I cant explain where I have been
But I know that God has delivered me since then
Its been a long road for this 23 year old
Cant you see the pain I have endured
God will you be faithful and keep Your word
I was once lost, but now I am found
I was once blind, but now I see
Why cant I see what God has done for me
Why cant I see what God has done for me
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
Its been a long road for this 23 year old
I cant explain where I have been
But I know God has delivered me since then
condemnation, humiliation, exhortation,
aggravation, crucification and Salvation
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
BUT, I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
DEMONS PUSH THEY PULL THEY PRY
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
I STILL HAVE THIS THORN TO MY SIDE
IT KEEPS ME PRAYING ALL THE TIME
SALVATION CAME THROUGH CRUCIFICATION
The happy ending to this story is that I grew spiritually and in love with Audrey. I never prayed so hard in my life. The song still applies, just my age is now 26 and the thorn changes form from time to time.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Forgiveness
What is forgiveness exactly?
Is there different forms of forgiveness?
How does God forgive me?
In my marriage, I ask for forgiveness often, and I also forgive my wife often as well.
When we get mad at each other, or hurt each others feelings, we fight but then we say sorry and life goes on. If it is a good fight, it may even follow with make up sex. I like the make up sex, but I wish we could get to the good sex without the fight. You know?
Anyhow, I received a phone call from, I guess I would call him a friend. This person and his wife were friends with my wife and I. Then for no apparent reason battle lines were drawn. I am not sure what we had done, so we tried to kill the tension with kindness. I would encourage this guy on the softball field, we would make sure we said hi to them at church, but we always got a cold shoulder in return. To make the situation more difficult, another couple who we brought to church and shared Christ with also began to give us the same treatment.
At first we prayed for them when we went to sleep at night. But every time they hurt us by the cold shoulder, or the non invites to parties (the ones that everyone else was invited to) I became more defensive. I would wonder, what did we do to deserve treatment like this?
At one point my wife e-mailed these people and apologized for anything that we may have done to hurt or offend them, but they never responded. Soon after that other people started to get involved trying to mediate and find out why there was such a distance between us and the two other couples.
My wife then had enough, she said she was going to call them and apologize again for anything we may have done. I told her that we didn't have to because we did everything we needed to. My wife's response was " what would Jesus do? He would just lay down." How could I argue with that. So I went into the garage to hide and smoke my pipe. She made the call and left a message, but never received a phone call back.
Now at this point I have written these people off. I have plenty of friends and I don't need to beg for people's friendship. Then a turn of events came. The couple who we brought to church called us. And since then we have rebuilt that friendship.
But with that, their friendship with the couple that put up a wall against us fell apart and are now on non-speaking terms. Another turn of events came soon after, the wife of the couple who would not talk to us began to talk to my wife again, but remaining on non-speaking terms with the couple that we brought to church. ( I hope all this she said he said stuff make sense.) It has been this way for a month now. I have pretty much written this off to God waiting for Him to handle this.
Then today I received that phone call from the husband of the couple that we have become distant with. He apologized for the distance, and said that he wanted to make things right. I told him, there was no need to apologize, and that everything was cool. He replied that he had been wrong for the treatment he gave us and that God has opened his eyes a lot within the last month. We then had a short conversation about the events that were going on within our lives and talked about getting together soon.
That's the problem, what do I do now? I am not hurt or angry. I am relieved actually, but am I obligated to have this personal friendship again? Because if so, I don't think I want it. Is it bad that I want to keep this couple in a social space, and hang out with them at party type events, rather then having them over for dinner.
What does Jesus do when I hurt or deny him and then ask for forgiveness? Does he say "sure, but we are now on an acquaintance level. I will call you, don't call me. "
Can there be different levels of forgiveness? The forgiveness that I share with my wife, the type that hurts to be mad at each other and when you forgive and forget you kinda grow deeper together, verse the kind that I am experiencing now. The kind that is sure, I forgive and I am not mad, but I don't want to grow closer.
I know how Jesus forgave Peter, but how did Jesus forgive Judas and on what level? If there are any levels.
Maybe forgiveness levels lie somewhere in the levels of investment. Depending on how much you have invested in the relationship will depend on how much you forgive. Or maybe it it is the other way around. Your forgiveness level will lie in how much you want to invest.
What is forgiveness exactly?
Is there different forms of forgiveness?
How does God forgive me?
In my marriage, I ask for forgiveness often, and I also forgive my wife often as well.
When we get mad at each other, or hurt each others feelings, we fight but then we say sorry and life goes on. If it is a good fight, it may even follow with make up sex. I like the make up sex, but I wish we could get to the good sex without the fight. You know?
Anyhow, I received a phone call from, I guess I would call him a friend. This person and his wife were friends with my wife and I. Then for no apparent reason battle lines were drawn. I am not sure what we had done, so we tried to kill the tension with kindness. I would encourage this guy on the softball field, we would make sure we said hi to them at church, but we always got a cold shoulder in return. To make the situation more difficult, another couple who we brought to church and shared Christ with also began to give us the same treatment.
At first we prayed for them when we went to sleep at night. But every time they hurt us by the cold shoulder, or the non invites to parties (the ones that everyone else was invited to) I became more defensive. I would wonder, what did we do to deserve treatment like this?
At one point my wife e-mailed these people and apologized for anything that we may have done to hurt or offend them, but they never responded. Soon after that other people started to get involved trying to mediate and find out why there was such a distance between us and the two other couples.
My wife then had enough, she said she was going to call them and apologize again for anything we may have done. I told her that we didn't have to because we did everything we needed to. My wife's response was " what would Jesus do? He would just lay down." How could I argue with that. So I went into the garage to hide and smoke my pipe. She made the call and left a message, but never received a phone call back.
Now at this point I have written these people off. I have plenty of friends and I don't need to beg for people's friendship. Then a turn of events came. The couple who we brought to church called us. And since then we have rebuilt that friendship.
But with that, their friendship with the couple that put up a wall against us fell apart and are now on non-speaking terms. Another turn of events came soon after, the wife of the couple who would not talk to us began to talk to my wife again, but remaining on non-speaking terms with the couple that we brought to church. ( I hope all this she said he said stuff make sense.) It has been this way for a month now. I have pretty much written this off to God waiting for Him to handle this.
Then today I received that phone call from the husband of the couple that we have become distant with. He apologized for the distance, and said that he wanted to make things right. I told him, there was no need to apologize, and that everything was cool. He replied that he had been wrong for the treatment he gave us and that God has opened his eyes a lot within the last month. We then had a short conversation about the events that were going on within our lives and talked about getting together soon.
That's the problem, what do I do now? I am not hurt or angry. I am relieved actually, but am I obligated to have this personal friendship again? Because if so, I don't think I want it. Is it bad that I want to keep this couple in a social space, and hang out with them at party type events, rather then having them over for dinner.
What does Jesus do when I hurt or deny him and then ask for forgiveness? Does he say "sure, but we are now on an acquaintance level. I will call you, don't call me. "
Can there be different levels of forgiveness? The forgiveness that I share with my wife, the type that hurts to be mad at each other and when you forgive and forget you kinda grow deeper together, verse the kind that I am experiencing now. The kind that is sure, I forgive and I am not mad, but I don't want to grow closer.
I know how Jesus forgave Peter, but how did Jesus forgive Judas and on what level? If there are any levels.
Maybe forgiveness levels lie somewhere in the levels of investment. Depending on how much you have invested in the relationship will depend on how much you forgive. Or maybe it it is the other way around. Your forgiveness level will lie in how much you want to invest.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I had a dream earlier this month.
I was in my front yard with friends from church. I found a large egg in my bushes and I warned people to stay away.
No one listened to me and they were probing the egg and touching it.
I was freaking out. Then it hatched and I jumped back with fear. Out came a large taranchela. I was terrified, but my friends were playing with the large spider. I knew that taranchelas around this area were harmless, but I still was scared. I was terrified, not knowing what to do.
That was my dream.
The next day I shared the dream with a friend and told her that I wanted to buy a dream interpretation book. My friend told me she knew what the dream was about. It was about my impending fatherhood.
I thought about it, and it was true.
I am scared about being a father. I freak out about the things that come with father- hood. The trips to the hospital for high fevers, broken arms, skinned knees and toe nails ripped off from bike crashes.
I am not sure that I can handle the drama.
This summer while playing softball, our friend Tammi's little girl got a piece of a sun flower seed shell in her eye. Don't ask me how she did this. I almost could not watch as Tammi and my my wife's sister performed surgery to get it out right there in from of me. Both being mothers they were able to handle this little crisis with out any signs of fear. I was amazed that they could get this seed shell out of the little girl's eye without calling 911.
I hope that with my parenthood, I will learn or be given the ability to doctor my child without freaking out and becoming a panicked father. I have no Idea what is to come, but I pray that God gives me the abilities to handle these little emergencies.
I was in my front yard with friends from church. I found a large egg in my bushes and I warned people to stay away.
No one listened to me and they were probing the egg and touching it.
I was freaking out. Then it hatched and I jumped back with fear. Out came a large taranchela. I was terrified, but my friends were playing with the large spider. I knew that taranchelas around this area were harmless, but I still was scared. I was terrified, not knowing what to do.
That was my dream.
The next day I shared the dream with a friend and told her that I wanted to buy a dream interpretation book. My friend told me she knew what the dream was about. It was about my impending fatherhood.
I thought about it, and it was true.
I am scared about being a father. I freak out about the things that come with father- hood. The trips to the hospital for high fevers, broken arms, skinned knees and toe nails ripped off from bike crashes.
I am not sure that I can handle the drama.
This summer while playing softball, our friend Tammi's little girl got a piece of a sun flower seed shell in her eye. Don't ask me how she did this. I almost could not watch as Tammi and my my wife's sister performed surgery to get it out right there in from of me. Both being mothers they were able to handle this little crisis with out any signs of fear. I was amazed that they could get this seed shell out of the little girl's eye without calling 911.
I hope that with my parenthood, I will learn or be given the ability to doctor my child without freaking out and becoming a panicked father. I have no Idea what is to come, but I pray that God gives me the abilities to handle these little emergencies.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
The 3rd song that did not make the posting on October 13th.
(1st Tim. 1:5)
I don't sing that well
And if I were on American Idol
They would laugh at me
But that is ok, I sing with a pure heart
And I don't sleep that well
I toss and turn all through the night
And when I wake up
I am more tired then the night before
I don't speak that well
My words and thoughts get tangled up
My words don't seem to flow
That is ok, I try with a good conscience
I question and wonder a lot
Answers I can never seem to find
And the few I find, I don't understand
But that is ok, I search with a sincere faith
(1st Tim. 1:5)
I don't sing that well
And if I were on American Idol
They would laugh at me
But that is ok, I sing with a pure heart
And I don't sleep that well
I toss and turn all through the night
And when I wake up
I am more tired then the night before
I don't speak that well
My words and thoughts get tangled up
My words don't seem to flow
That is ok, I try with a good conscience
I question and wonder a lot
Answers I can never seem to find
And the few I find, I don't understand
But that is ok, I search with a sincere faith
Monday, October 13, 2003
3 songs written in my lonely motel room.
(Friends)
You all are my friends
You make me smile now and then
You all are so dear to me
I really love your honesty
When I fall, all I want is for you to pick me up and sing me your song.
When you fall, all I want to do is pick you up and sing you my song.
Your smile is contagious
Your jokes are outrageous
You are my evening glass of wine
Your company is intoxicating to me
And when we are together
Everything is just fine
You make me smile when I am sad
When things are gloom, you make them not so bad
So, When I fall, all I want is for you to pick me up and sing me your song
When you fall, all I want to do is pick you up and sing you my song.
(Chorus inspired and written by Jason Walker)
(Motel Room)
Kick'n it
in my motel room
Double twin beds and green and gold carpet
Remote control on my right hand side
Coffee in the maker in the bathroom
5th floor is my paradise
I have a little refrigerator
isn't that nice
Water paintings on the wall
And if I want food
All I have to do is call
Kick'n it in my motel room
With four way conversations
That I tend to dominate
In my motel room
I wish I was home
(Friends)
You all are my friends
You make me smile now and then
You all are so dear to me
I really love your honesty
When I fall, all I want is for you to pick me up and sing me your song.
When you fall, all I want to do is pick you up and sing you my song.
Your smile is contagious
Your jokes are outrageous
You are my evening glass of wine
Your company is intoxicating to me
And when we are together
Everything is just fine
You make me smile when I am sad
When things are gloom, you make them not so bad
So, When I fall, all I want is for you to pick me up and sing me your song
When you fall, all I want to do is pick you up and sing you my song.
(Chorus inspired and written by Jason Walker)
(Motel Room)
Kick'n it
in my motel room
Double twin beds and green and gold carpet
Remote control on my right hand side
Coffee in the maker in the bathroom
5th floor is my paradise
I have a little refrigerator
isn't that nice
Water paintings on the wall
And if I want food
All I have to do is call
Kick'n it in my motel room
With four way conversations
That I tend to dominate
In my motel room
I wish I was home
Sunday, October 12, 2003
I have spent the last month in the city of Sacramento in a Holiday Inn. The experience has been a bitter sweet. Lots of Laughs accompanied with inner turmoil and tears. What I thought was just a business trip has been revealed as a divine appointment.
I have been in Sacramento long enough to fall in to a routine and to get to know some of the Holiday Inn Employees. Every morning I drink coffee and read in the Cafe downstairs. I also engage in short conversations with the Hostesses and Waitress. Sunday and Monday evenings I have become a regular in the lounge for the Sunday and Monday night football games. When I enter the lounge, a cold Guinness is sent my way without me having to ask.
Most of my dinners are eaten at the same restaurant. I have grown to crave Vietnamese food. The Noodle House has the best soup I have ever had. Though my waiter, who I think owns the place speaks poor English, he enjoys sharing with me his excitement of California's new Governor.
My friend Russ (who I met in my class) and I also visit the Noodle House often for lunch. On the Monday before the Election our Vietnamese friend started a conversation with us. We both thought that our friend was asking us who we worked for.
"Who do you work for?"
I replied "Probation"
"no, who do work for?"
Russ then answered"we both work for Probation"
"Probation?"
I then pull out my wallet badge to help our friend understand.
"see Probation Officers" and I pointed to my badge.
He then took a deep breath and attempted to speak slower which did not really help.
"who do you vote for? Arnold?"
"Oh, who are we going to vote for."
The conversation then went on not understanding half of what the dude was saying, so we sat patiently and smiled while told us why we should vote for Arnold.
In the later evenings I spend time in my room. The Cave that God has brought me to. There in the Solitude of my room I have wrestled with God, and Myself. That's where the tears came from. I have had more nightmares this month then ever before. I also wake up at all hours of the night wide awake. I have been also reviewing my old journal entries. I have found that they are all the same. They all reek of self pity, despair, and hopelessness. My feelings never change. The only thing that changes is the circumstance of which brings out these feelings. One Sunday Night, my wife and I were arguing over the phone. For the first time I ever I told her that I hurt and I hurt often. I also read her a journal entry from 1999. She has never heard or read any of my entries. There was such a relief after reading that little piece of me and unloading a bucket of tears. I also found that I have a major insecurity with God. I am not sure what I have to do to change, and I don't think I will, But I have a peace now. I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. None of my questions were answered and I still don't like myself sometimes. I still see the blackness in my heart, but I haven't hurt since that night. I am not sad. After a long night in battle with myself I wrote this the next day.
09-29-03: The Sun rises on a day of hope. The battle of the night before was a victory. I woke up feeling good. A peace of God is upon my soul. I am excited about life for no specific reason. My guard let down just a bit.
As I go into the last stretch of my stay in this Cave, I hope to draw even closer to God. He has showed me so much this month. Like I said none of my questions were answered, but he did speak to me and touched me. What he had to tell me is more important then what I wanted to know anyhow.
God taught me the following Lessons:
Lesson 1: Don't take your wife for granted.
Lesson 2: Shut up and just listen.
Lesson 3: Your OK.
Lesson 4: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I have been in Sacramento long enough to fall in to a routine and to get to know some of the Holiday Inn Employees. Every morning I drink coffee and read in the Cafe downstairs. I also engage in short conversations with the Hostesses and Waitress. Sunday and Monday evenings I have become a regular in the lounge for the Sunday and Monday night football games. When I enter the lounge, a cold Guinness is sent my way without me having to ask.
Most of my dinners are eaten at the same restaurant. I have grown to crave Vietnamese food. The Noodle House has the best soup I have ever had. Though my waiter, who I think owns the place speaks poor English, he enjoys sharing with me his excitement of California's new Governor.
My friend Russ (who I met in my class) and I also visit the Noodle House often for lunch. On the Monday before the Election our Vietnamese friend started a conversation with us. We both thought that our friend was asking us who we worked for.
"Who do you work for?"
I replied "Probation"
"no, who do work for?"
Russ then answered"we both work for Probation"
"Probation?"
I then pull out my wallet badge to help our friend understand.
"see Probation Officers" and I pointed to my badge.
He then took a deep breath and attempted to speak slower which did not really help.
"who do you vote for? Arnold?"
"Oh, who are we going to vote for."
The conversation then went on not understanding half of what the dude was saying, so we sat patiently and smiled while told us why we should vote for Arnold.
In the later evenings I spend time in my room. The Cave that God has brought me to. There in the Solitude of my room I have wrestled with God, and Myself. That's where the tears came from. I have had more nightmares this month then ever before. I also wake up at all hours of the night wide awake. I have been also reviewing my old journal entries. I have found that they are all the same. They all reek of self pity, despair, and hopelessness. My feelings never change. The only thing that changes is the circumstance of which brings out these feelings. One Sunday Night, my wife and I were arguing over the phone. For the first time I ever I told her that I hurt and I hurt often. I also read her a journal entry from 1999. She has never heard or read any of my entries. There was such a relief after reading that little piece of me and unloading a bucket of tears. I also found that I have a major insecurity with God. I am not sure what I have to do to change, and I don't think I will, But I have a peace now. I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. None of my questions were answered and I still don't like myself sometimes. I still see the blackness in my heart, but I haven't hurt since that night. I am not sad. After a long night in battle with myself I wrote this the next day.
09-29-03: The Sun rises on a day of hope. The battle of the night before was a victory. I woke up feeling good. A peace of God is upon my soul. I am excited about life for no specific reason. My guard let down just a bit.
As I go into the last stretch of my stay in this Cave, I hope to draw even closer to God. He has showed me so much this month. Like I said none of my questions were answered, but he did speak to me and touched me. What he had to tell me is more important then what I wanted to know anyhow.
God taught me the following Lessons:
Lesson 1: Don't take your wife for granted.
Lesson 2: Shut up and just listen.
Lesson 3: Your OK.
Lesson 4: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
