Spilt Wine

In regard to my past drinking dilemma and obsession, it really was no different than most of you. I grew up in an alcoholic home, I started drinking in high school and it progressed through college. I drank alcoholically from the get go and over time, the binge drinking morphed into everyday drinking without me even really noticing or caring.

It was a lot of fun at first but over time it became a chore.
My drink, whether it be wine, beer or a martini all started out as beverage and over the years evolved to medication. In the end, I would tell myself that I would feel better, or be in a better mood once I took my medicine.

In the end, I no longer could find any peace or happiness in the bottle. I was always depressed and would sometimes fantasy being hit by a truck on my way to work or perhaps die as a martyr or in a more heroic manner, like while trying to help someone or dying in the line of duty.

In the end I came to the conclusion that I miserable with alcohol. I was disgusted with myself over the fact that I could not stop or control it and in the few cases where I thought I had made some progress, my alcoholism came back worse than before with a fury. I was done playing with it and I became willing to surrender it to God.

On July 7, 2008, I prayed a drunken prayer, asking God to just make me sick of drinking. So sick, that I would not want to drink anymore.

Later that night I woke up with a horrible flu and threw up my 6 Sierra Nevada beers and the bottle of $1.99 wine.

The next morning, while laying in bed my prayer from the night before came to mind and I was immediately struck with fear and thought to myself, what the hell have I done. Living life without drinking terrified me. I could not imagine having any fun without alcohol, but I realized, if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t having any fun with alcohol anyways, so I figured how much more miserable could I be without it?

So, laying in bed, sicker than I had been in years, I spoke to God again. I acknowledged that he answered my prayer, and I knew deep down inside, that now it was my turn to do something; unfortunately, I had already tried everything chapter 3 speaks of. Taking a trip, promising to stop or drink less, joining a gym, going to church, switching from wine to beer, and ect…

I decided that I should try AA. I had thought about it before, but it scared me, one because I was worried what people would think and two, I was scared that it might work. The only reason I even thought of AA was because in the past, I had become friends and had gotten to know a few people from this program who were bold enough and not ashamed to share their story with me. Not that they were 12 stepping me, or even suspected that I too was an alcoholic, but rather, they were just sharing a part of their life with me. And in doing so, they planted some seeds. Which is how I came to consider AA as an option or what Rick Evens would say, "my plan B".



Let me share this with you. Last year was great. I truly experienced the miracle of recovery. The obsession was removed, I met some really great people, and I began to learn a whole lot about living. When I first came into these rooms, I expected to learn how not to drink. Not only did get that, but I got a lot more. This program is teaching me to be a better human, a better husband, a better father, employee, friend and son. I am learning to live life in a way that cultivates peace and serenity. And I am grateful to you all for your part in the program and what you each bring to the table. I am also grateful for God’s patience and loving grace.

Now, with this year, I have learned a few more things. First of all, I have learned that my participation in the program and my recovery from alcoholism is not a liability, but rather a strength. I am always hesitant to share with people my story of recovery in fear that I will be judged negatively. Truth be told, its not about me. Like I hear people in these rooms say, “its none of my business what other people think of me”. And maybe, if I am lucky enough, God could use my story to plant seeds in unexpected people, just like the hand full of people who planted seeds within me.

Secondly, and most importantly, I learned that my sobriety is only as good as my spiritual health and wellbeing. I have also learned that without a solid program, your sobriety at best will be dry, which is what I have been for the last couple of months. In the last 6 to 8 months or so, I stopped working my steps. I stalled out on step number 8. My meeting attendance fell from 2 to 3 meetings a week, to about 1 every other week. I stopped reading my blue book. I spoke to my sponsor less and less and developed an arrogance of superiority. I had an attitude, like “Yea, I got this no drinking thing down. I am good”. Despite all of that, and only by the grace of God, I didn’t touch any alcohol and really never encountered any crisis where I was seriously thinking about drinking. But what I recently found was that I no longer had peace. My joy became less and less. I was becoming angry more often. I would have temper tantrums when I did not get my way. I was no longer enjoying the benefits of working this program which is living a life that is happy, joyous and free and I am ready to get back to that. It’s no fun living the other way. This is really nothing new. There are plenty of people in this room tonight, who are thinking to themselves, “I told you so.” And yes you did.

So, now, in front of all of you, who I have much respect for, I commit to finishing my 12 steps. I am committing to participating in the back to the back to the 40s this year. I am committing to keeping my meetings up. I am committing to reading my daily devotionals, which I just started last Saturday ( Thanks Rick S.). I am committing to reading my blue book much more often. I am committing to keep in more regular contact with my sponsor. And I am committing to helping fellow alcoholics this year.

Thank you.
Mike and I am an alcoholic.

AA Quote of the week:
"Have you ever noticed that you are at your best when you are helping other people?"