Sunday, October 12, 2003
I have spent the last month in the city of Sacramento in a Holiday Inn. The experience has been a bitter sweet. Lots of Laughs accompanied with inner turmoil and tears. What I thought was just a business trip has been revealed as a divine appointment.
I have been in Sacramento long enough to fall in to a routine and to get to know some of the Holiday Inn Employees. Every morning I drink coffee and read in the Cafe downstairs. I also engage in short conversations with the Hostesses and Waitress. Sunday and Monday evenings I have become a regular in the lounge for the Sunday and Monday night football games. When I enter the lounge, a cold Guinness is sent my way without me having to ask.
Most of my dinners are eaten at the same restaurant. I have grown to crave Vietnamese food. The Noodle House has the best soup I have ever had. Though my waiter, who I think owns the place speaks poor English, he enjoys sharing with me his excitement of California's new Governor.
My friend Russ (who I met in my class) and I also visit the Noodle House often for lunch. On the Monday before the Election our Vietnamese friend started a conversation with us. We both thought that our friend was asking us who we worked for.
"Who do you work for?"
I replied "Probation"
"no, who do work for?"
Russ then answered"we both work for Probation"
"Probation?"
I then pull out my wallet badge to help our friend understand.
"see Probation Officers" and I pointed to my badge.
He then took a deep breath and attempted to speak slower which did not really help.
"who do you vote for? Arnold?"
"Oh, who are we going to vote for."
The conversation then went on not understanding half of what the dude was saying, so we sat patiently and smiled while told us why we should vote for Arnold.
In the later evenings I spend time in my room. The Cave that God has brought me to. There in the Solitude of my room I have wrestled with God, and Myself. That's where the tears came from. I have had more nightmares this month then ever before. I also wake up at all hours of the night wide awake. I have been also reviewing my old journal entries. I have found that they are all the same. They all reek of self pity, despair, and hopelessness. My feelings never change. The only thing that changes is the circumstance of which brings out these feelings. One Sunday Night, my wife and I were arguing over the phone. For the first time I ever I told her that I hurt and I hurt often. I also read her a journal entry from 1999. She has never heard or read any of my entries. There was such a relief after reading that little piece of me and unloading a bucket of tears. I also found that I have a major insecurity with God. I am not sure what I have to do to change, and I don't think I will, But I have a peace now. I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. None of my questions were answered and I still don't like myself sometimes. I still see the blackness in my heart, but I haven't hurt since that night. I am not sad. After a long night in battle with myself I wrote this the next day.
09-29-03: The Sun rises on a day of hope. The battle of the night before was a victory. I woke up feeling good. A peace of God is upon my soul. I am excited about life for no specific reason. My guard let down just a bit.
As I go into the last stretch of my stay in this Cave, I hope to draw even closer to God. He has showed me so much this month. Like I said none of my questions were answered, but he did speak to me and touched me. What he had to tell me is more important then what I wanted to know anyhow.
God taught me the following Lessons:
Lesson 1: Don't take your wife for granted.
Lesson 2: Shut up and just listen.
Lesson 3: Your OK.
Lesson 4: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I have been in Sacramento long enough to fall in to a routine and to get to know some of the Holiday Inn Employees. Every morning I drink coffee and read in the Cafe downstairs. I also engage in short conversations with the Hostesses and Waitress. Sunday and Monday evenings I have become a regular in the lounge for the Sunday and Monday night football games. When I enter the lounge, a cold Guinness is sent my way without me having to ask.
Most of my dinners are eaten at the same restaurant. I have grown to crave Vietnamese food. The Noodle House has the best soup I have ever had. Though my waiter, who I think owns the place speaks poor English, he enjoys sharing with me his excitement of California's new Governor.
My friend Russ (who I met in my class) and I also visit the Noodle House often for lunch. On the Monday before the Election our Vietnamese friend started a conversation with us. We both thought that our friend was asking us who we worked for.
"Who do you work for?"
I replied "Probation"
"no, who do work for?"
Russ then answered"we both work for Probation"
"Probation?"
I then pull out my wallet badge to help our friend understand.
"see Probation Officers" and I pointed to my badge.
He then took a deep breath and attempted to speak slower which did not really help.
"who do you vote for? Arnold?"
"Oh, who are we going to vote for."
The conversation then went on not understanding half of what the dude was saying, so we sat patiently and smiled while told us why we should vote for Arnold.
In the later evenings I spend time in my room. The Cave that God has brought me to. There in the Solitude of my room I have wrestled with God, and Myself. That's where the tears came from. I have had more nightmares this month then ever before. I also wake up at all hours of the night wide awake. I have been also reviewing my old journal entries. I have found that they are all the same. They all reek of self pity, despair, and hopelessness. My feelings never change. The only thing that changes is the circumstance of which brings out these feelings. One Sunday Night, my wife and I were arguing over the phone. For the first time I ever I told her that I hurt and I hurt often. I also read her a journal entry from 1999. She has never heard or read any of my entries. There was such a relief after reading that little piece of me and unloading a bucket of tears. I also found that I have a major insecurity with God. I am not sure what I have to do to change, and I don't think I will, But I have a peace now. I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. None of my questions were answered and I still don't like myself sometimes. I still see the blackness in my heart, but I haven't hurt since that night. I am not sad. After a long night in battle with myself I wrote this the next day.
09-29-03: The Sun rises on a day of hope. The battle of the night before was a victory. I woke up feeling good. A peace of God is upon my soul. I am excited about life for no specific reason. My guard let down just a bit.
As I go into the last stretch of my stay in this Cave, I hope to draw even closer to God. He has showed me so much this month. Like I said none of my questions were answered, but he did speak to me and touched me. What he had to tell me is more important then what I wanted to know anyhow.
God taught me the following Lessons:
Lesson 1: Don't take your wife for granted.
Lesson 2: Shut up and just listen.
Lesson 3: Your OK.
Lesson 4: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
