Tuesday, May 10, 2005
One Selfish Son of a Bitch.
I made a special effort of keeping Grace occupied tonight, so that Audrey could pick up around the house and have a little bit of time to herself. I have to say; I felt like I was racking up some of those "good husband/ father points" if such a thing even exist.
The evening began with Grace and I embarking on a walk in her wagon. We walked along the canal near our house. Which is the same path I took Grace for walks on last summer, when she was only 3 months old. I was reluctant to go on the walk because of the wind, but I decided to go anyway.
Pulling the wagon and thinking, Gracie had interrupted my self-centered thoughts with her gibberish. When I looked back at her to see what she was talking about, she was pointing to a Quaker Tree and smiling. I stopped and observed the trees with her for a minute. The leaves looked like they were applauding us. I began to realize at this moment, that wind is a beautiful thing; it's not something you have to hide in your house from. I was thinking that wind is nature’s music, it provides rhythm for the tress to dance to.
As we continued our walk we saw a couple of boys flying kites in a field. I never thought much about a kite or its purpose, but it now seemed clear to me that, the purpose of the kite is to celebrate the wind. We watch the kites soar in the sky, with white and gray broken storm clouds high above and the sun, which we did not see much of today, setting in the west.
After our walk I let Grace play with her shovel and rake in the dirt for a while, then the two of us went to the store to get some groceries. After returning to the store, I made dinner for all of us, and was feeling pretty good about my chivalrous acts. That is until I watch Nanny 911.
The episode featured a husband and wife who had 23 disabled foster children. This episode became a mirror upon my own selfishness. As I watch how this family functioned, I was amazed by all of the daily activities and chores that needed to be done. The making of making 23 breakfasts, 23 lunches and 23 dinners. On top of all of that, there were 35 loads of laundry a day that needed to be completed and folded, trash taken out, dishes washed, and picking up of the house. Not to forget, in addition to other responsibilities and chores that had to be done daily, these were special needs children that needed a lot of support, attention and love.
As I watched, I could not help but begin to reflect on all of the times I was too selfish to get out of bed to get Grace, or to change a diaper, or to stop what I was doing to spend time with my daughter, pushing those responsibilities onto Audrey. The guilt was heavy upon my heart and I began to feel sick to my stomach.
I was in awe of the parent’s self -sacrifice for these children. They have totally set aside their wants, ambitions, and desires to raise these children.
I began to wonder if I have it all wrong about them? Maybe they have set nothing aside. Maybe their true desire and wants are to give these foster children a loving home. Maybe they truly want to serve selflessly.
How do you get a heart like that? How do live so selflessly? How do find the strength to parent one child and love one wife, let alone 23 kids and a spouse who was also disabled and in a wheel chair like their children?
The show made me cry, but my tears were not just out of sandiness. My tears were of joy as well, because, after a day like today, I needed to see that people were good. I needed to know that not all fathers rape their daughters. I needed to know that not all mothers neglect their children. I needed to know that my special effort tonight falls so far short of what really my heart should be. I needed to know, that I am selfish son of a bitch.
I made a special effort of keeping Grace occupied tonight, so that Audrey could pick up around the house and have a little bit of time to herself. I have to say; I felt like I was racking up some of those "good husband/ father points" if such a thing even exist.
The evening began with Grace and I embarking on a walk in her wagon. We walked along the canal near our house. Which is the same path I took Grace for walks on last summer, when she was only 3 months old. I was reluctant to go on the walk because of the wind, but I decided to go anyway.
Pulling the wagon and thinking, Gracie had interrupted my self-centered thoughts with her gibberish. When I looked back at her to see what she was talking about, she was pointing to a Quaker Tree and smiling. I stopped and observed the trees with her for a minute. The leaves looked like they were applauding us. I began to realize at this moment, that wind is a beautiful thing; it's not something you have to hide in your house from. I was thinking that wind is nature’s music, it provides rhythm for the tress to dance to.
As we continued our walk we saw a couple of boys flying kites in a field. I never thought much about a kite or its purpose, but it now seemed clear to me that, the purpose of the kite is to celebrate the wind. We watch the kites soar in the sky, with white and gray broken storm clouds high above and the sun, which we did not see much of today, setting in the west.
After our walk I let Grace play with her shovel and rake in the dirt for a while, then the two of us went to the store to get some groceries. After returning to the store, I made dinner for all of us, and was feeling pretty good about my chivalrous acts. That is until I watch Nanny 911.
The episode featured a husband and wife who had 23 disabled foster children. This episode became a mirror upon my own selfishness. As I watch how this family functioned, I was amazed by all of the daily activities and chores that needed to be done. The making of making 23 breakfasts, 23 lunches and 23 dinners. On top of all of that, there were 35 loads of laundry a day that needed to be completed and folded, trash taken out, dishes washed, and picking up of the house. Not to forget, in addition to other responsibilities and chores that had to be done daily, these were special needs children that needed a lot of support, attention and love.
As I watched, I could not help but begin to reflect on all of the times I was too selfish to get out of bed to get Grace, or to change a diaper, or to stop what I was doing to spend time with my daughter, pushing those responsibilities onto Audrey. The guilt was heavy upon my heart and I began to feel sick to my stomach.
I was in awe of the parent’s self -sacrifice for these children. They have totally set aside their wants, ambitions, and desires to raise these children.
I began to wonder if I have it all wrong about them? Maybe they have set nothing aside. Maybe their true desire and wants are to give these foster children a loving home. Maybe they truly want to serve selflessly.
How do you get a heart like that? How do live so selflessly? How do find the strength to parent one child and love one wife, let alone 23 kids and a spouse who was also disabled and in a wheel chair like their children?
The show made me cry, but my tears were not just out of sandiness. My tears were of joy as well, because, after a day like today, I needed to see that people were good. I needed to know that not all fathers rape their daughters. I needed to know that not all mothers neglect their children. I needed to know that my special effort tonight falls so far short of what really my heart should be. I needed to know, that I am selfish son of a bitch.
