Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I know for the few of you guys who still read this blog, you were quite surprised to find out that I had a drinking problem. To tell you the truth, I was a surprised you guys didn’t know since I wrote about indirectly from time to time. Anyhow, I thought it would be a good time for me to qualify myself as an alcoholic and share a little bit of my story with you.
It is really no surprise that I ended with the disease considering my mother is an alcoholic and my father has had his issues of substances and alcohol. Its truly a miracle and blessing from God that my heart was open to finding recovering before I drank myself to complete destruction like so many people I have worked with or met through AA.
I remember being in junior high school and buying a picture of a shattering wine glass full of wine. I hung it in my room as a reminder not to become like my mother. Unfortunately, I took that first drink a couple of years into high school. Immediately I became binge drinker, drinking to drunkenness as often as we could get alcohol. Through high school and college I drank mainly on weekends, well there was Thursday nights too, when we drank before going dancing. There was definitely a progression in my drinking during my college years; I drank more and more often with many blackouts and massive hangovers.
In March of 1998 I started my career with the Probation Department. That in it’s self curved my drinking considerably at first. I worked a lot of nights and was subject to call ins. I was so into my job, I wanted to remain sober in case they called me into work. After a while I started partying and drinking with some co-workers, which lead me back in to weekend binge drinking. Again I found myself drinking heavily on my days off. After several months I fell into a form of depression with an emptiness that alcohol could not fill, so I turned to religion and sought God.
When I found Christ, I initially lost my desire to drink. I remained sober for almost a year, but as time went by, I would occasionally secretly drink wine by myself. I would maybe get drunk once every couple of months. At some point, after I was newly married, I began to purchase beer and wine regularly. I once again became a weekend drinker. This went on for maybe a year or so and without me even noticing I became an everyday drinker.
At first, there was no guilt about my drinking because my alcohol tolerance was still pretty low and in comparison to people who I thought had drinking problems, I drank very little. In my mind, three or four beers a night was nothing compared to those who drank a twelve pack a night. So I drank and drank. Three beers turned into six or seven. Eventually I fell in love with red wine, which then became my drink of choice.
Sometime in 2003 I realized that my drinking was become unmanageable. I found it almost impossible not to drink in the evening. I thought that perhaps the birth of Gracie would change that. Of course it didn’t. Other than a ten-day back packing trip in 2002, the three days I stayed in the hospital with Audrey after Gracie’s birth was the longest I gone without alcohol in a long while. Within a day of being home I was back at it. I made several attempts to stop over the next five years. I tried only drinking on weekends, not drinking wine, limiting the number of drinks, taking sleeping pills at night rather than drinking, drinking only non-alcoholic beers, fasting for 40 days, attending therapy, and joining the gym; non of the which worked for more than a week or two.
Over the last five years, I became guilt ridden, embarrassed, and discouraged over the fact that alcohol was not only consuming me mentally, physically and spiritually, but was also hindering me from being the father and husband my family deserved. Every morning I woke up feeling guilty, usually with a hangover, wanting to quit, but only to find myself buying more wine and beer from the store on my way home from work in the evening. Over those five years I saw alcohol destroy my father’s career and finances, yet I drank. I realized that my drinking was driving me into isolation, still I continued to drink. I saw what alcohol did to many of the families I work with through my job as a Probation Officer; but my drinking continued. I knew what alcohol was doing to me, but I still wanted more. This is the insanity of the disease.
On Sunday night, July 6th of this year, I got drunk for the last time, though I didn’t know it at the time. I drank five Sierra Nevada beers and a bottle of wine that evening. After finishing my bottle of wine I stood in my front yard and smoked a cigar for a bit. As I stood there disgusted with myself I prayed. I prayed that God would restore me and take away my drinking. I specifically asked him to make me physically sick of drinking, then I went to bed. Later that night I woke up sick. I had the chills, I vomited several times and my stomach burned with an intense fire. The next morning when I woke up, I laid in bed feeling horrible. I remembered my prayer and deep in soul I knew God was answering my prayer and I needed to act on it before my body and mind wanted to start drinking again. Over the last two years I had come to the conclusion that AA was the only way I was going to get sober but pride had prevented me from going. I was desperate to stop now and pride was not so much an issue anymore. So as soon as I felt well enough to get at out of bed I went to an AA meeting. That was 51 days ago, and my sober journey has begun. I found that “big bat” of a sponsor I need, who I see as kind of like Yoda, not that he is small and green, but more with his wisdom and focus on sobriety. People share all the time that life has gotten better for them since they stop drinking and that’s what I have to look forward to. I want to live on the sober side of my disease.
It is really no surprise that I ended with the disease considering my mother is an alcoholic and my father has had his issues of substances and alcohol. Its truly a miracle and blessing from God that my heart was open to finding recovering before I drank myself to complete destruction like so many people I have worked with or met through AA.
I remember being in junior high school and buying a picture of a shattering wine glass full of wine. I hung it in my room as a reminder not to become like my mother. Unfortunately, I took that first drink a couple of years into high school. Immediately I became binge drinker, drinking to drunkenness as often as we could get alcohol. Through high school and college I drank mainly on weekends, well there was Thursday nights too, when we drank before going dancing. There was definitely a progression in my drinking during my college years; I drank more and more often with many blackouts and massive hangovers.
In March of 1998 I started my career with the Probation Department. That in it’s self curved my drinking considerably at first. I worked a lot of nights and was subject to call ins. I was so into my job, I wanted to remain sober in case they called me into work. After a while I started partying and drinking with some co-workers, which lead me back in to weekend binge drinking. Again I found myself drinking heavily on my days off. After several months I fell into a form of depression with an emptiness that alcohol could not fill, so I turned to religion and sought God.
When I found Christ, I initially lost my desire to drink. I remained sober for almost a year, but as time went by, I would occasionally secretly drink wine by myself. I would maybe get drunk once every couple of months. At some point, after I was newly married, I began to purchase beer and wine regularly. I once again became a weekend drinker. This went on for maybe a year or so and without me even noticing I became an everyday drinker.
At first, there was no guilt about my drinking because my alcohol tolerance was still pretty low and in comparison to people who I thought had drinking problems, I drank very little. In my mind, three or four beers a night was nothing compared to those who drank a twelve pack a night. So I drank and drank. Three beers turned into six or seven. Eventually I fell in love with red wine, which then became my drink of choice.
Sometime in 2003 I realized that my drinking was become unmanageable. I found it almost impossible not to drink in the evening. I thought that perhaps the birth of Gracie would change that. Of course it didn’t. Other than a ten-day back packing trip in 2002, the three days I stayed in the hospital with Audrey after Gracie’s birth was the longest I gone without alcohol in a long while. Within a day of being home I was back at it. I made several attempts to stop over the next five years. I tried only drinking on weekends, not drinking wine, limiting the number of drinks, taking sleeping pills at night rather than drinking, drinking only non-alcoholic beers, fasting for 40 days, attending therapy, and joining the gym; non of the which worked for more than a week or two.
Over the last five years, I became guilt ridden, embarrassed, and discouraged over the fact that alcohol was not only consuming me mentally, physically and spiritually, but was also hindering me from being the father and husband my family deserved. Every morning I woke up feeling guilty, usually with a hangover, wanting to quit, but only to find myself buying more wine and beer from the store on my way home from work in the evening. Over those five years I saw alcohol destroy my father’s career and finances, yet I drank. I realized that my drinking was driving me into isolation, still I continued to drink. I saw what alcohol did to many of the families I work with through my job as a Probation Officer; but my drinking continued. I knew what alcohol was doing to me, but I still wanted more. This is the insanity of the disease.
On Sunday night, July 6th of this year, I got drunk for the last time, though I didn’t know it at the time. I drank five Sierra Nevada beers and a bottle of wine that evening. After finishing my bottle of wine I stood in my front yard and smoked a cigar for a bit. As I stood there disgusted with myself I prayed. I prayed that God would restore me and take away my drinking. I specifically asked him to make me physically sick of drinking, then I went to bed. Later that night I woke up sick. I had the chills, I vomited several times and my stomach burned with an intense fire. The next morning when I woke up, I laid in bed feeling horrible. I remembered my prayer and deep in soul I knew God was answering my prayer and I needed to act on it before my body and mind wanted to start drinking again. Over the last two years I had come to the conclusion that AA was the only way I was going to get sober but pride had prevented me from going. I was desperate to stop now and pride was not so much an issue anymore. So as soon as I felt well enough to get at out of bed I went to an AA meeting. That was 51 days ago, and my sober journey has begun. I found that “big bat” of a sponsor I need, who I see as kind of like Yoda, not that he is small and green, but more with his wisdom and focus on sobriety. People share all the time that life has gotten better for them since they stop drinking and that’s what I have to look forward to. I want to live on the sober side of my disease.
