Sunday, November 30, 2008
Last week I had a little scare. I found a suspicious lump, which was concern enough for me to make a doctors appointment to have it checked out. For whatever reason Tuesday night of last week, I got really scared. Partly because I really thought about what it could mean, and my best friend died of cancer a year and half of ago. Also, I know someone who is close to my age, who is undergoing cancer treatment. Fear and anxiety gripped my soul and heart in a way that I have never experienced before. Before I fell asleep that night, I laid in bed thinking of the worse and was completely broken over the thought of dying and my children growing up without me.
Ironically, I am on step three(3) of my recovery, which is to accept God's will with complete abandon by giving Him my will and life. With this scare in my life, it really has changed my thinking on what that truly means. If I am to accept His will with complete abandon, I guess I am to accept the worse, knowing His good will can somehow still be sought and surrendered to. What if it is God's will for my children to grow up without me? Can I really accept such a thing? Ultimately, I don’t have any say in the matter, so I guess I have to accept it. My thoughts on God’s will have always included me as a participant. Now, I have an understanding that we (me) play a very little/ limited role in his Greater will in the grand scheme of eternity. We are just small participants in His great screenplay. He is the director, I am the extra.
Thankfully, the lump was nothing to be concern of. Maybe it was just a means for God to get my attention and for Him to teach me something about His will. God continued to speak to me on Sunday, as the sermon in Church was very relevant to what I had been pondering. The sermon was titled “Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die”. So true.
I am grateful for the opportunity to lean on Him more and to have learned that His will is bigger than my will and life for all that matters. And Yes, I am submitting to His will with complete abandon no matter what.
This is the third step prayer, which I prayed with my sponsor on our knees in the parking lot of Marie Calendars, while it rained.
“God I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties, that my transcendence over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always!”
Ironically, I am on step three(3) of my recovery, which is to accept God's will with complete abandon by giving Him my will and life. With this scare in my life, it really has changed my thinking on what that truly means. If I am to accept His will with complete abandon, I guess I am to accept the worse, knowing His good will can somehow still be sought and surrendered to. What if it is God's will for my children to grow up without me? Can I really accept such a thing? Ultimately, I don’t have any say in the matter, so I guess I have to accept it. My thoughts on God’s will have always included me as a participant. Now, I have an understanding that we (me) play a very little/ limited role in his Greater will in the grand scheme of eternity. We are just small participants in His great screenplay. He is the director, I am the extra.
Thankfully, the lump was nothing to be concern of. Maybe it was just a means for God to get my attention and for Him to teach me something about His will. God continued to speak to me on Sunday, as the sermon in Church was very relevant to what I had been pondering. The sermon was titled “Everyone wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die”. So true.
I am grateful for the opportunity to lean on Him more and to have learned that His will is bigger than my will and life for all that matters. And Yes, I am submitting to His will with complete abandon no matter what.
This is the third step prayer, which I prayed with my sponsor on our knees in the parking lot of Marie Calendars, while it rained.
“God I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties, that my transcendence over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always!”
