Spilt Wine

Tonight in an A.A. meeting a question was asked. " How do you rationalize not working your program or drinking again and what do you do to get your head out of that thinking?"

I didn't get called on to speak tonight so I will share my thoughts here. As I was listening to people speak I realized that for me, when I think about drinking or slacking off in working my program I am actually manipulating myself. I think to rationalize, you have to use rational thought, which is based in truth. When I covet a drink or not want to go to meetings anymore, I am not thinking with truth. I don't reflect on how far I have come and how sobriety has made the little things in life so much better and enjoyable. I forget about all of the depression drinking brought for me and the self disgust I had every night I went to bed drunk. Instead, I think that maybe I overreacted in my assessment of my drinking, or that things would be different now and that I could control my drinking, all of the which are lies. When I start thinking that way, all I am doing is trying to manipulate myself to drink again there is noting rational about it. To get out of that thinking I have to be honest with myself, in that I am an alcoholic. I will never be able to control my drinking and that though my bottom is higher than most other people, I was well on my way of going lower before I stopped. Its only when I am honest with myself and I accept the truth is it that I began to think rationally.

And because I have been honest and using rational thinking, I have been able to stay sober for 6 months now and receive a 6 month chip tonight.