Monday, July 27, 2009
Living Amends
Unfortunately, we don’t always have an opportunity to make our amends to others and in those cases the best thing we can do is make a living amends. A couple of years ago, during Jason’s last days, I did something that I have felt terrible about. I am the kind of alcoholic that once I start drinking, I don’t stop until I am good and drunk and ready to pass out. During the week before Jason’s passing, I along with other friends and family, took turns staying with Jason in his room, feeding him morphine every hour to easy the pain of his cancer driven passing. One particular day was very emotional, and like always, I retreated to the bottle and started drinking. I continued to drink through dinner and throughout my shift in Jason’s room. Jason being in morphine induced comma didn’t know any different and neither did I at the time.
I hated myself for doing such a thing for a long time because of a couple different reasons. One, I had open up to Jason about my drinking problem a year earlier, and though at that time, for a short period of about two weeks, I did appear to regain some control, but when I fell off the wagon, I dared not tell Jason about it because I did not want to disappointment him and honestly, I did not want to be held accountable. Second was because when I was packing for my trip to Jason’s, I considered packing wine in my suit cases like I normally did when I stayed with him. However, this time I told myself that I had no business drinking at Jason’s out of respect and that I needed to be sober the last few days of his life so that I could help take care of him. Well, I ended up drinking every night I was there. Jason passed on July 25, 2007. I got sober on July 7, 2008, and unfortunately, I was never able to apologize to him for letting him down and making him believe that I had over come my addiction, when in fact I had gone right back to it.
A few weeks ago, while speaking with my sponsor, he explained to me what a living amends was. He said that we are not always able to make our amends to others and the best thing we can do is make a living amends which is living out our life in repentance of our old ways.
Ironically, I received my first one year medallion on July 25, 2009. After I received the chip I could not but think that this little metal coin was a living amends to Jason and in some small way I redeemed his death day with a birth of my new life which he helped inspire me to stride for.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Letter to my A.A. Friends.
Well Friends, it’s been 361 days since my last drink. I have so many emotions stirring in me as approach my first AA birthday. First of all, I am excited and extremely proud. I am also at the same time, humbled and blessed knowing that first of all, the obsession to drink was removed by God (may I forever remain thankful) and that through this program, which I feel is divinely inspired, I have been freely given the tools, support, love, and encouragement, from all of you, to fight the good fight and remain sober. And lastly, I am flabbergasted that I am about to embark on a year without alcohol. I never thought this would be possible.
I have grown so much of the course of the last year. In so many ways have learned to live all over again. I have learned to feel pain and to endure and work through it. I am learning to speak from my heart and actually communicate with people, especially my wife; I am learning coping techniques; I am rediscovering a whole new level of trust in God, and I have to come to respect and love myself again, something I lost many years ago.
I want to thank all of you for your friendship, support, stories, and most important of all, the example each of you have displayed. Each one of you, along with several others, has made an impact on me. I could have never stayed on this journey, let alone start it, if it was not for the open arms of this community and the examples each one of you has displayed. Thank you for not drinking; your strength in the matter has made me strong. There is Great Strength in numbers! I wish there was a way for me to show you all how truly thankful and grateful I am for you. You are all dear to my heart and I have the outmost respect for you all.
Well Friends, it’s been 361 days since my last drink. I have so many emotions stirring in me as approach my first AA birthday. First of all, I am excited and extremely proud. I am also at the same time, humbled and blessed knowing that first of all, the obsession to drink was removed by God (may I forever remain thankful) and that through this program, which I feel is divinely inspired, I have been freely given the tools, support, love, and encouragement, from all of you, to fight the good fight and remain sober. And lastly, I am flabbergasted that I am about to embark on a year without alcohol. I never thought this would be possible.
I have grown so much of the course of the last year. In so many ways have learned to live all over again. I have learned to feel pain and to endure and work through it. I am learning to speak from my heart and actually communicate with people, especially my wife; I am learning coping techniques; I am rediscovering a whole new level of trust in God, and I have to come to respect and love myself again, something I lost many years ago.
I want to thank all of you for your friendship, support, stories, and most important of all, the example each of you have displayed. Each one of you, along with several others, has made an impact on me. I could have never stayed on this journey, let alone start it, if it was not for the open arms of this community and the examples each one of you has displayed. Thank you for not drinking; your strength in the matter has made me strong. There is Great Strength in numbers! I wish there was a way for me to show you all how truly thankful and grateful I am for you. You are all dear to my heart and I have the outmost respect for you all.
