Spilt Wine

Tonight in an A.A. meeting a question was asked. " How do you rationalize not working your program or drinking again and what do you do to get your head out of that thinking?"

I didn't get called on to speak tonight so I will share my thoughts here. As I was listening to people speak I realized that for me, when I think about drinking or slacking off in working my program I am actually manipulating myself. I think to rationalize, you have to use rational thought, which is based in truth. When I covet a drink or not want to go to meetings anymore, I am not thinking with truth. I don't reflect on how far I have come and how sobriety has made the little things in life so much better and enjoyable. I forget about all of the depression drinking brought for me and the self disgust I had every night I went to bed drunk. Instead, I think that maybe I overreacted in my assessment of my drinking, or that things would be different now and that I could control my drinking, all of the which are lies. When I start thinking that way, all I am doing is trying to manipulate myself to drink again there is noting rational about it. To get out of that thinking I have to be honest with myself, in that I am an alcoholic. I will never be able to control my drinking and that though my bottom is higher than most other people, I was well on my way of going lower before I stopped. Its only when I am honest with myself and I accept the truth is it that I began to think rationally.

And because I have been honest and using rational thinking, I have been able to stay sober for 6 months now and receive a 6 month chip tonight.

My letter to Senator Fienstien taht I sent this morning.

Senator Feinstein, I am extremely disappointed beyond use of words over your support and over zealous endorsement of the 800 billion dollar so called stimulus bill. You said so yourself, that though over 80 thousand Californians have contacted your office asking you to not support the bill; however, you plan to anyhow because your constituents don’t know better. I believe that since you no longer listen to your fellow Californian citizens and no longer represent our voices, you should resign from the public office. You have lost your sense of democracy and public servant hood. Your actions are one of a monarch, a disconnected and unconcerned one. You were elected to the Senate to represent our voices from California, not as a Queen, free to make what ever decision or vote you want without taking in consideration the very loud and public out-cry directing you not to pass this bill! You have forgotten who you work for!

Though, I know you are not going to do either, I still ask for you not to pass this bill in its “pork-filled” form and to resign from office; or at the very least apologize to the citizens of California for no longer representing us.

Michael L. Wallace

The fight.

Inside a large Colosseum was a little man fighting gladiators twice as big, twice as strong and twice as skilled as he was. In his hand he wield with all his might, in every direction, a sword, fighting off the gladiators. Sitting way up in the bleacher seats was an old wise man who yelled down to the over-matched little man "put down your sword!" The little man looked up at the old man and said " are you crazy? These guys are trying to kill me!" Again, the old wise man yelled down to the little man "Put down your sword".

Finally, when the little man was exhausted and could no longer lift and swing his sword, he gave up the fight he laid down his blade. To the little man's surprise the gladiator's turned their attention to someone else, as they no longer saw the little man as an enemy. The little man then left the floor, climbed the bleachers and took a seat next to the old wise man. As the two watched the gladiators fight some other poor soul, together they yelled "put down your sword!"

When Gracie was a newborn, I use to take her on walks along the ditch by our house. There are giant oak trees along the path and for years I have been wanting to hang a swing from one of the trees. I even blogged about it back on July 8, 2004, if you care to look it up. Anyhow, while on a walk today with Gracie and her two little buddies, Gavin and Quinten, I came across that old tree. It had been a long time since I had seen my old friend. I decided today was a good day to follow through on the promise of old and hang that swing. There was a tire down in the ditch which was in fair shape, making for a great tire swing. So after a quick run to Surplus City for some rope, I made the swing, which attracted quite the neighborhood crowd. By the time the swing was hung, there were six children and two other adults. All of the kids took turns on the swing. As I was watching the kids swing on the tire, some rational, adult thinking came to mind, which is always a kill joy for kids. I figured, leaving the swing up might result in some other child getting hurt, making me responsible and liable for a law suit. So in the end, the swing came down, but it was nice to be in the sun light for a good portion of the afternoon, especially since the sun hasn't been out in almost a week.

As I was leaving for work this morning, I heard a crow crowing from the street lamppost. The crow caught my attention because it had been a long time since I have heard a crow. I stopped in the middle of my lawn and looked up at the bird and listen to it crow three more times before it flew away. The first thing that came to my mind was the story of Peter denying Christ three times before the roster crowed twice. It was at that moment, though it wasn’t a roster, but instead a black crow, I realized though my day was just starting at 7:37 in the morning, I myself had already denied Christ. As I was driving to work and reflecting upon my realization, I concluded that I do this regularly. I then felt guilt and shame. Then, something spoke to me. I was reminded that I wasn’t a complete failure and that the day was far from over. God allows do-overs at any point of day. To continue in guilt and shame would only prevent me from living in His grace and seeking His will throughout the rest of the day. Guilt is a great deterrent from having a relationship with God.

I find myself needing a couple of do-overs before the days end. I am thankful for His grace and patience with me, as I am a very slow learner. Somebody just asked me what my new years resolution is. I didn’t have one at that moment, but now as I write this, I think I want to work on waking up with God on my mind, spending my first few waking moments in prayer.