Spilt Wine

If you are a baseball fan like me, today was an exciting day as many teams made trades just prior to the MLB trade deadline. And if you are a Dodger fan like me, today was an awesome day, as the Dodgers acquired Manny “Man-Ram” Ramirez from the Boston Red Sox. This trade gives the Dodgers the desperately needed "big" bat. The Dodgers now have the advantage in the National League West. It's been a pretty weak division most of the year; however, there are still just about nine weeks of regular season play left. Fifty- Five (55) games exactly left for the Dodgers to make a strong run for the post season, to find a grove and get hot. I am excited and extremely hopeful of the Dodgers immediate future.

For the last couple of weeks I have been looking for that "big" bat I need in my life to help me find my potential and place me at an advantage to win. I have needed this "big" bat for a while; I just haven't realized it until recently. From time to time we all need that "big" bat to come into our lives and join our team. A “big” bat that will lift us up and help us over come what ever obstacle life has placed before us and win. Other times, we are called to be that “big” bat for someone else. At this moment, I am looking for a “big” bat and hopefully, eventually, I can become a “big” bat for someone else.

I feel as if things are getting better for me. I am beginning to feel better and stronger. Last week was a though week, but I got through it and things seem easier. I am beginning to see myself with a whole new set of eyes. Its as if I have awaken from some foggy spell that had kept me in a haze between being half asleep and half awake. Over the last 6 six years I have been just barley enough awake to have an indication or hint that there were some things in my closet that needed to be dealt with and addressed, but asleep enough not not really bother or care. I am waking up and learning to feel emotions again without the comfort and numbness of alcohol.

I have also begun to see how prideful I have become. Pride comes before the fall and I fell. My pride has kept me from getting well and seeking help for years. It has also caused me to live in isolation and secrecy because I didn't want people to see the real me and what I was all about. I heard a cool statement the other night. Someone said "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." My task now is to get myself ready as a student and I am starting with humility.

It’s been a year today since my one of best friends passed away. It still doesn’t seem right or real. I think of Jason all of the time. Little things trigger my memory of him, whether it be a song, a place, a Dodger game, the weather, a book or just a feeling or mood. I still wear the yellow “Live Strong” bracelet for him and his battle with cancer. Even at this moment as I type this, the Postal Service CD is playing in the background, which was the CD Ruben I listen to on our way back to Jason’s house, while driving over the Golden Gate Bridge after spreading his ashes over the San Francisco Bay.

You know, I look at this yellow bracelet of mine and I think of Jason battle and how he did his best to live strong. That’s what I do now; I try live strong. Truth is, none of us are as strong as we appear; God knows I am not, but I am trying really hard now.

Jason influenced me in so many ways, He open my ears to music, my eyes to books, my heart to the Dodgers and most recently an inner-desire to live strong, which has become so important to my way of thinking as I fight my own battles of dependency. By no means am I saying Jason was a saint. None of us are, but I do know, despite his faults, he has inspired a lot of good within people and because of that, he lived a good life. Short…to short, but good.

You are missed Jason.

Getting honest with myself has not been an easy thing. I am having to swallow a lot of pride and admit things I have become accustom to ignore. I have realized that I am not a well person. I have flawed thinking, I am emotionally weaker than I portray, I want to control things I have no business or ability to control and I have this desire deep inside me to engage in self-destructive behaviors. This is by far the hardest thing I have done in my life, but if I stop and really reflect on what I am doing, there is a sense of peace I feel in not having to pretend that I am all right. No more masks, no more hiding secrets and no more living in exclusion and isolation due to guilt and embarrassment. I am far from being strong from my dependencies but at this moment I am free and that feels good. Good enough to keep going.

“Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him- as nothing else can- and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in the need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.”
- Brennan Manning
The Ragamuffin Gospel.

I am ready to get honest with myself.