Spilt Wine

With the excitement of the coming baby, Audrey and I have been looking at our baby pictures, trying to get an idea of what maybe Gracie will look like. So I thought it would be fun to post some Pics, as anticipation builds for the baby. This is one of my baby pics. I am on the right, my brother Joe is on the left. I hope to post one of Audrey’s baby pics this weekend.

I have been thinking about change lately. Mainly due to another blog page. I have come to a thought. My thought being, do we really ever change?

We may gain some weight, lose some hair, move, pick up new hobbies, meet new friends, ect. But do we ever really change who we are?

Maybe when someone appears that they changed, maybe you just learned more about them.

Now, I have to say this is a pretty messed up way of thinking. If someone makes a mistakes and hurts you, does that mean it was always within them to do such a thing? Maybe, considering that we are all sinful by nature. But if we think that way, what hope is there for us to become better people. What hope would there be for me to be a better friend, better husband, better (soon to be) father?

I hope for change, though it feels pretty bleak.

I woke up at 2:55 am this morning in a great deal of pain. It appears that my stress has worked it’s self in to an ulcer. I laid in bed, with my stomach feeling as if it was on fire on the inside. I debated if I should go the ER. I did find a little comfort in the fetal position and tried my best to fall back to sleep.

This morning I woke up as if I had been punched in the stomach about 100 times.

Work has been stressing me out over the last month or so. I have been caring two case- loads, I have reports to write up the yin yang. The new supervisor was also added stress and I need to have all my reports completed prior to taking time off with the baby.

It is almost as if the kids know this is the time to act up. It is as if they know I am too busy to do anything about it. Maybe I can relieve some of my stress by doing a round up. Arrest about 5 or 6 kids, though Juvenile hall would be pissed at me, but I bet I would feel better.

The anticipation of the baby is also a great deal of stress on me. I worry about the baby, hoping that nothing goes wrong. I lay in bed sometimes and stress myself out, wondering if the baby will be normal, what if the bay is blind, or cant breath right, or has heart problems, ect…

I do know that my 3 weeks off will be much needed.

As I write this I am sitting in the Holiday Inn Lounge in Sacramento, enjoying a cold Sierra Nevada. Something has struck me odd.
In this lounge there is 7 people sitting by themselves, which I am one of. However, I have this laptop computer to occupy my time. As I keep looking up at these people I cant help but wonder what they are thinking about. Are they lonely, are they longing for connection of some sort of community?

I can tell you first hand, it is not all that great to be cooped up in your hotel room all by yourself, and that’s probably why I am here down stairs. I guess it just makes me feel better to be around people, even though I am still by myself. Could that be the same for the rest of my fellow Holiday Inn guests? Are just as content to be in a room with other people, or are they waiting for someone to make the first move. Someone just to look their way and “ ask them how they are doing or where they are from?”

San Francisco, you only have 5 stars in your sky.
Your lit up buildings make up for the lacking galaxies above.

The constant buzz of the city is intoxicating.
Woke up to buses busing, policemen policing, garbage trucks trucking and people walking.

So many people, so close together, yet everyone appears to be lonely.
People to busy to look you in the eye, to involved in their own world to share a smile.

Coffee and bagle at little coffee house, watching the city people moving accord. Crazy man wandering, friendly conversation with stranger, dirty look because of my parking.

Hills no one likes to climb with out purpose. I stood on top of one, out of breath, only to find I parked elsewhere.

Friends together for short while, celebrating with a cold beer and horribly played pool, goodbyes always a little awkward.

Dear Jesus,

I would like to invite you to come and visit our little Christian-suburbia we call Visalia. When you get here, I can show you all of the massive churches built in your name. We can also go out and buy you a cool looking WWJD bracelet and a trending looking T- Shirt and hat that has your name on it.

For dinner we can go to one of the many Christian owned restaurants. We can’t drink wine over dinner because we would not want to offend anyone, so, you will have to settle for Ice Tea. But trust me, you will love this place!

4:5- Jonah went out and sat down at a place east of the city. There he made himself a shelter, sat in its shade and waited to see what would happen to the city.
4:6- Then the Lord God provided a vine and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the vine.
4:7- But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the vine so that it withered.
4:8- When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die, and said, “ It would be better for me to die than to live.”
4:9- But God said to Jonah, “ Do you have right to be angry about the vine?” “I do.” he said. “ I am angry enough to die.”
4:10 -But the Lord said, “ You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died over night.
4:11- But Nineveh has more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left, and many cattle as well. Should I not be concerned about that great city?”

And that is how it ends. Funny after being swallowed by a whale and all, Jonah appears to be more upset about his shade being taken from him, than spending 3 days and nights in a whale. Really upset, to the point of death.

Why is Jonah so reluctant? I wonder how long Jonah would of stayed under the vine if God had not taken it away from him? I mean, it did take a whale swallowing the guy before he ended up at the city God want him to go to in the first place.

What will it take for me to move in the direction God wants me to go?

It’s funny how you can have such a passion for something, yet suck at it. As much as I love music, I suck at singing. I feel I have a decent ear for music, I can tell pitch by ear. I can play songs on the guitar by ear. However, I can not sing for my life. I tried recording a few songs yesterday and my voice is just horrid! That makes me sad. As much as I love music, I will never ever be able to sing. I will never be able to participate in music the way I dream of.

I have found one little trick though. If I sing with other people, my voice will blend and I will be able to match pitch. For some reason, other people help me sing better. I am able to hear their voices, better then I can hear my own.


I also have a passion for Love, but of course, I suck at that too! As much as it is within me to Love, I can’t. What if I can become better Lover in a community. I wonder if the help of others, or just the presence of others will help me Love more, or at least more effectively.

Lets sing Love as a choir, so that I can participate in Love the way I dream.

You are there waiting for me every morning.
You chase off the lingering dreams within my head.
You’re my companion while I read the news and drive to work.
You give me that little spunk to my step when I need it the most.

I like you as you are.
No need to make yourself up with cream or sugar.
I love the way you smell.
And your taste dances upon my tongue.

You’re a great friend on cold days.
You are a real lifesaver on days following a long night.
You're enjoyed best with conversations of life.

But, today you really pissed me off.
This joke of yours was not funny.
This huge stain my kaki slacks may not come out.
As much as I love you, I don’t like having to go through my workday with your mark all down my leg.

Tomorrow when we meet again. I suggest you wear a sippy lid!