Spilt Wine

Its crunch time for me and I am not talking about my math final. I have been preparing for an upcoming interview for Supervising Probation Officer. This morning I got dressed in my best suit, well one I borrowed, groomed myself to perfection, drove to the Court House early, reviewed my study notes and went inside for my 8:15am interview; only to find out that my interview is actually Wednesday. That was kind of embarrassing, fortunately, only two people know I showed up on the wrong day. I was feeling pretty good until I arrived to the training class I was suppose to take today on report writing. Speaking with a few other probation officers, they all said another officer who is also interviewing for the promotion was a sure in. They were not meaning to put me down, they were just explaining why they did not even apply for the position. They just felt there was no chance for anyone else. That discouraged me quite a bit. I dont know why I feel so discouraged right now, I have been in this position before. None of the office gossip picked me to be promoted to Institution Supervisor at the 23, making me the second youngest ever at the time, and no one picked me to be promoted to Probation Officer III last summer. Its nice to win one here and there, but being an underdog gets old after awhile.

These images were captured by the Hubble Space Telescope. Amazing! And to think God is bigger than this is mind boggling. What is most humbling and almost uncomprehendable is that God who is bigger than space itself and made these galaxies knows and loves each one of us.

I saw a car on my way to work this morning that had a St. Paul Catholic School license plate frame and Darwin Fish sticker. That was weird...

Not so knowledgeable about Softball equipment.

Last night I played my first game on our Department sponsored softball team. I played 3rd and Right Field. I went 1 for 3 with 2 RBIs and a run scored. Just so you know, that is a .333 batting average. I was hitting the ball so hard; I broke my bat at my last at bat. I didn’t actually break the bat in two like you see in professional baseball games with wooden bats; I just broke the plastic cap from the top of the barrel. When the ump checked the bat to make sure I was not cheating, he said to me " you know this is a girls bat?" which I replied, "I know, I like it because it is light weighted." I think he knew I was full of crap and I felt like an idiot. I found the bat in my garage and it was my wife’s from when she played softball in high school. I thought a bat was a bat. Who would of known.

Oh and we Lost 11 to 14

The imagination is wonderful thing. This evening after barbecuing dinner for my wife, her best friend and the kids, I laid back in my hammock that I have hung in my backyard. I reclined in it while sipping a margarita. There was a strong wind that was blowing clouds overhead. I just laid there and imagined that I was on an island in Caribbean relaxing as a storm was being blown on to shore which was making all of the palm trees sway in the wind. Instead of palm trees swaying it was a couple of California Redwoods and a lemon tree.

Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die.

This right here is a video of a youth mission trip to the Dominican Republic that my good buddy Dan McSwain help organize and lead. Dan has a heart for the Dominican people and always comes back with encouraging stories. I remember talking to Dan after returning from his first trip. I was helping him, err, watching him paint a bedroom in his new house when he told me that as poor as the people are, no one appeared depressed or stressed. They were happy with the little they had which is so opposite to our culture. We find ourselves in the United States so unhappy because of the things we dont have. Hopefully Audrey and I will be able to join and serve with Dan and the Discovery Church on a trip to the Dominican Republic in the near future.

I did not sleep well at all last night due to some nightmares. I had three and they have left me kind of shaken and disturbed. I keep thinking about them and what they could possibly mean. I hold a lot of stock in dreams. I find that they can be quite prophetic, visions if you will.

The first dream I had was about myself and three others who were dressed up as Chewbacca, Princess Laya and Luke Skywalker. The three others were not the actual characters from Star Wars the movie, but rather they were merely pretending to be. We were on an elevator that broke down and then without warning, the elevator began to plummet. I felt my heart jump into my throat as the elevator was on a fast track to impact at the bottom of whatever. I specifically remember looking at the floor of the elevator and thinking to myself, this is how I am going to dye, I hope it doesn’t hurt. Then the elevator came to a stop without any impact, at which point I woke up relieved it was just a dream. What has stuck with me the most about this dream is the idea or thought of “pretending” and “falling”.

The second dream was the worse of the three. I was driving a pick-up truck and I heard Gracie yell. As I looked in the rear view mirror, I saw Gracie jumping out of the truck because Jacob had gotten out of his car seat and had fallen on to the road. I slammed on the breaks and ran as fast as I could to pick up the kids before they got hit by on-coming cars. Jacob appeared fine, but I rushed him the hospital anyways afraid that he may have suffered some internal injuries. The next thing I remember was not knowing what to do with him. I didn’t know which floor to take him and when I found a nurse, I began to cry. She said he was fine and everything was going to be ok. I then I woke up. Sweating.

The last dream was about me interviewing for the promotion I recently put in for. I was lead into a room with a computer to complete the written exam of the interview. I wanted to sit there and gather my thoughts before I began to write. Before I knew it, I was given a five minute warning to complete the exam. I began to panicked and open up my folder with the essay questions in it. I found the questions to be easier than I had expected but now I didn’t have the time to write a response to the questions. Then when it came to the oral board part of the interview, the interviewers left thinking there was no one left to interview. They had to be brought back to conduct the interview with me. It was at that moment that I realized I was under dressed with no tie on. As I gave my first answer to the question I could see that the interviewers were just going through the motions and really were not considering me for the promotion. The alarm went off. 5:05am.

I think the first dream was a prophetic message about my faith. Pretending will most definitely lead to falling; however, thanks to the grace of God, He can prevent that impact that leads to death.

The second dream about Jacob must be about his upcoming procedure, which has put a lot of anxiety and stress on Audrey and I. I think we both feel a lot fear due to having no control over the situation and having to put our trust in God and the professional medical doctors and nurses who are strangers to us.

The last dream possibly could be about my insecurity within my job. A lot of my worth seems to be wrapped up within my profession and to not be promoted would be kick to my ego and would also a form of rejection. What I guess need to remember is that I work for God and it is God who will appoint me to supervisor if he feels fit. If not, it is because he has other plans for me within my current position and I need to be ok with that.

I have a confession; tonight I read about someone who received praise for something he is doing with College-age youth in Visalia. I was infuriated. I was so made I literally felt my body tempeture rise. When I started to analyze why I was so mad, I realized that I was upset because this person was receiving praise for something I had a passion for and in some ways feel I failed at. It was jealously as it’s worse. What was most sobering was the conclusion that my anger was about my ego. What I did in the name of God was really about me, not Him. I realized I did a lot of things in the name of Jesus for my glory. No wonder why I have found myself out of the ministry. Forgive me Lord. I honestly mean that and bless that man and may his heart be right. God, create in me a clean heart.