Saturday, August 30, 2008
Some thoughts I had throughout the day:
Show me someone who is a drinking alcoholic, with their life together and who can say honestly that they are happy on the inside, and I will pick that person to be my drinking sponsor and begin hitting the bottle immediately.
Alcoholics are passionate people. Some remain passionate about their drinks while others become passionate about sobriety.
If an alcoholic’s drinking is progressive over time, those seeking sobriety will also see over time, progression in their recovery.
55 days and counting...
Show me someone who is a drinking alcoholic, with their life together and who can say honestly that they are happy on the inside, and I will pick that person to be my drinking sponsor and begin hitting the bottle immediately.
Alcoholics are passionate people. Some remain passionate about their drinks while others become passionate about sobriety.
If an alcoholic’s drinking is progressive over time, those seeking sobriety will also see over time, progression in their recovery.
55 days and counting...
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
AA quote of the week:
" Justice is getting what you deserve; Mercy is not getting what you deserve and Grace is getting what you don’t deserve."
" Justice is getting what you deserve; Mercy is not getting what you deserve and Grace is getting what you don’t deserve."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I know for the few of you guys who still read this blog, you were quite surprised to find out that I had a drinking problem. To tell you the truth, I was a surprised you guys didn’t know since I wrote about indirectly from time to time. Anyhow, I thought it would be a good time for me to qualify myself as an alcoholic and share a little bit of my story with you.
It is really no surprise that I ended with the disease considering my mother is an alcoholic and my father has had his issues of substances and alcohol. Its truly a miracle and blessing from God that my heart was open to finding recovering before I drank myself to complete destruction like so many people I have worked with or met through AA.
I remember being in junior high school and buying a picture of a shattering wine glass full of wine. I hung it in my room as a reminder not to become like my mother. Unfortunately, I took that first drink a couple of years into high school. Immediately I became binge drinker, drinking to drunkenness as often as we could get alcohol. Through high school and college I drank mainly on weekends, well there was Thursday nights too, when we drank before going dancing. There was definitely a progression in my drinking during my college years; I drank more and more often with many blackouts and massive hangovers.
In March of 1998 I started my career with the Probation Department. That in it’s self curved my drinking considerably at first. I worked a lot of nights and was subject to call ins. I was so into my job, I wanted to remain sober in case they called me into work. After a while I started partying and drinking with some co-workers, which lead me back in to weekend binge drinking. Again I found myself drinking heavily on my days off. After several months I fell into a form of depression with an emptiness that alcohol could not fill, so I turned to religion and sought God.
When I found Christ, I initially lost my desire to drink. I remained sober for almost a year, but as time went by, I would occasionally secretly drink wine by myself. I would maybe get drunk once every couple of months. At some point, after I was newly married, I began to purchase beer and wine regularly. I once again became a weekend drinker. This went on for maybe a year or so and without me even noticing I became an everyday drinker.
At first, there was no guilt about my drinking because my alcohol tolerance was still pretty low and in comparison to people who I thought had drinking problems, I drank very little. In my mind, three or four beers a night was nothing compared to those who drank a twelve pack a night. So I drank and drank. Three beers turned into six or seven. Eventually I fell in love with red wine, which then became my drink of choice.
Sometime in 2003 I realized that my drinking was become unmanageable. I found it almost impossible not to drink in the evening. I thought that perhaps the birth of Gracie would change that. Of course it didn’t. Other than a ten-day back packing trip in 2002, the three days I stayed in the hospital with Audrey after Gracie’s birth was the longest I gone without alcohol in a long while. Within a day of being home I was back at it. I made several attempts to stop over the next five years. I tried only drinking on weekends, not drinking wine, limiting the number of drinks, taking sleeping pills at night rather than drinking, drinking only non-alcoholic beers, fasting for 40 days, attending therapy, and joining the gym; non of the which worked for more than a week or two.
Over the last five years, I became guilt ridden, embarrassed, and discouraged over the fact that alcohol was not only consuming me mentally, physically and spiritually, but was also hindering me from being the father and husband my family deserved. Every morning I woke up feeling guilty, usually with a hangover, wanting to quit, but only to find myself buying more wine and beer from the store on my way home from work in the evening. Over those five years I saw alcohol destroy my father’s career and finances, yet I drank. I realized that my drinking was driving me into isolation, still I continued to drink. I saw what alcohol did to many of the families I work with through my job as a Probation Officer; but my drinking continued. I knew what alcohol was doing to me, but I still wanted more. This is the insanity of the disease.
On Sunday night, July 6th of this year, I got drunk for the last time, though I didn’t know it at the time. I drank five Sierra Nevada beers and a bottle of wine that evening. After finishing my bottle of wine I stood in my front yard and smoked a cigar for a bit. As I stood there disgusted with myself I prayed. I prayed that God would restore me and take away my drinking. I specifically asked him to make me physically sick of drinking, then I went to bed. Later that night I woke up sick. I had the chills, I vomited several times and my stomach burned with an intense fire. The next morning when I woke up, I laid in bed feeling horrible. I remembered my prayer and deep in soul I knew God was answering my prayer and I needed to act on it before my body and mind wanted to start drinking again. Over the last two years I had come to the conclusion that AA was the only way I was going to get sober but pride had prevented me from going. I was desperate to stop now and pride was not so much an issue anymore. So as soon as I felt well enough to get at out of bed I went to an AA meeting. That was 51 days ago, and my sober journey has begun. I found that “big bat” of a sponsor I need, who I see as kind of like Yoda, not that he is small and green, but more with his wisdom and focus on sobriety. People share all the time that life has gotten better for them since they stop drinking and that’s what I have to look forward to. I want to live on the sober side of my disease.
It is really no surprise that I ended with the disease considering my mother is an alcoholic and my father has had his issues of substances and alcohol. Its truly a miracle and blessing from God that my heart was open to finding recovering before I drank myself to complete destruction like so many people I have worked with or met through AA.
I remember being in junior high school and buying a picture of a shattering wine glass full of wine. I hung it in my room as a reminder not to become like my mother. Unfortunately, I took that first drink a couple of years into high school. Immediately I became binge drinker, drinking to drunkenness as often as we could get alcohol. Through high school and college I drank mainly on weekends, well there was Thursday nights too, when we drank before going dancing. There was definitely a progression in my drinking during my college years; I drank more and more often with many blackouts and massive hangovers.
In March of 1998 I started my career with the Probation Department. That in it’s self curved my drinking considerably at first. I worked a lot of nights and was subject to call ins. I was so into my job, I wanted to remain sober in case they called me into work. After a while I started partying and drinking with some co-workers, which lead me back in to weekend binge drinking. Again I found myself drinking heavily on my days off. After several months I fell into a form of depression with an emptiness that alcohol could not fill, so I turned to religion and sought God.
When I found Christ, I initially lost my desire to drink. I remained sober for almost a year, but as time went by, I would occasionally secretly drink wine by myself. I would maybe get drunk once every couple of months. At some point, after I was newly married, I began to purchase beer and wine regularly. I once again became a weekend drinker. This went on for maybe a year or so and without me even noticing I became an everyday drinker.
At first, there was no guilt about my drinking because my alcohol tolerance was still pretty low and in comparison to people who I thought had drinking problems, I drank very little. In my mind, three or four beers a night was nothing compared to those who drank a twelve pack a night. So I drank and drank. Three beers turned into six or seven. Eventually I fell in love with red wine, which then became my drink of choice.
Sometime in 2003 I realized that my drinking was become unmanageable. I found it almost impossible not to drink in the evening. I thought that perhaps the birth of Gracie would change that. Of course it didn’t. Other than a ten-day back packing trip in 2002, the three days I stayed in the hospital with Audrey after Gracie’s birth was the longest I gone without alcohol in a long while. Within a day of being home I was back at it. I made several attempts to stop over the next five years. I tried only drinking on weekends, not drinking wine, limiting the number of drinks, taking sleeping pills at night rather than drinking, drinking only non-alcoholic beers, fasting for 40 days, attending therapy, and joining the gym; non of the which worked for more than a week or two.
Over the last five years, I became guilt ridden, embarrassed, and discouraged over the fact that alcohol was not only consuming me mentally, physically and spiritually, but was also hindering me from being the father and husband my family deserved. Every morning I woke up feeling guilty, usually with a hangover, wanting to quit, but only to find myself buying more wine and beer from the store on my way home from work in the evening. Over those five years I saw alcohol destroy my father’s career and finances, yet I drank. I realized that my drinking was driving me into isolation, still I continued to drink. I saw what alcohol did to many of the families I work with through my job as a Probation Officer; but my drinking continued. I knew what alcohol was doing to me, but I still wanted more. This is the insanity of the disease.
On Sunday night, July 6th of this year, I got drunk for the last time, though I didn’t know it at the time. I drank five Sierra Nevada beers and a bottle of wine that evening. After finishing my bottle of wine I stood in my front yard and smoked a cigar for a bit. As I stood there disgusted with myself I prayed. I prayed that God would restore me and take away my drinking. I specifically asked him to make me physically sick of drinking, then I went to bed. Later that night I woke up sick. I had the chills, I vomited several times and my stomach burned with an intense fire. The next morning when I woke up, I laid in bed feeling horrible. I remembered my prayer and deep in soul I knew God was answering my prayer and I needed to act on it before my body and mind wanted to start drinking again. Over the last two years I had come to the conclusion that AA was the only way I was going to get sober but pride had prevented me from going. I was desperate to stop now and pride was not so much an issue anymore. So as soon as I felt well enough to get at out of bed I went to an AA meeting. That was 51 days ago, and my sober journey has begun. I found that “big bat” of a sponsor I need, who I see as kind of like Yoda, not that he is small and green, but more with his wisdom and focus on sobriety. People share all the time that life has gotten better for them since they stop drinking and that’s what I have to look forward to. I want to live on the sober side of my disease.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What the...
What the hell is going on in San Francisco? Why is this not being covered by all of the national news agencies? The presence of military force by the Imperial Empire is direct threat to our national security and sovereignty.
What the hell is going on in San Francisco? Why is this not being covered by all of the national news agencies? The presence of military force by the Imperial Empire is direct threat to our national security and sovereignty.
Monday, August 18, 2008
We just returned from a weekend camping trip at Big Meadows with some friends. It was a great weekend that ended all to quick. We hiked, swam, lounged and got dirty, especially the kids.
Big Meadows has become my favorite place to camp. Audrey grew up camping there and over the last five years or so, I have grown to love it as much as she does. I have made many wonderful memories there. This is the place my kids are growing up camping at; this was the last place I camped with Jason before he passed away; this is where myself and a sheriff deputy took at-risk high school kids camping and this seems to be the place I find myself and get centered time and time again.
Here a a few pics from our adventure.
Case de Wallace
Weaver Lake
Mr. Tree Frog
Children among adults
Big Meadows has become my favorite place to camp. Audrey grew up camping there and over the last five years or so, I have grown to love it as much as she does. I have made many wonderful memories there. This is the place my kids are growing up camping at; this was the last place I camped with Jason before he passed away; this is where myself and a sheriff deputy took at-risk high school kids camping and this seems to be the place I find myself and get centered time and time again.
Here a a few pics from our adventure.
Case de Wallace
Weaver Lake
Mr. Tree Frog
Children among adults
Thursday, August 14, 2008
“Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head”- Radiohead
There is nothing worse than to go to bed physically and emotionally exhausted only to lay there for hours unable to sleep because your mind wont turn off. That’s what happen to me last night. Now I have to navigate through a workday half awake in a zombie mode until tonight and when my head can meet the pillow. Hopefully my head wont be buzzing like a fridge and I can get some tranquil sleep.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Saturday, August 09, 2008
Just about at every A.A. meeting I go to, someone says something I found profound. Last night someone said something I think is worth quoting. This rough looking biker guy with a long goat-tee beard, tattoo covered arms, ripped jeans and ragged shirt said, " There will come a time in your life that remaining sober will come down to just you and God".
He went on to share that after a few years of getting sober, he lost his daughter and sponsor within the same year. At that point, after such grief, there was nothing anybody could do for him to help him remain sober. His sobriety had come down to just between he and God.
He went on to share that after a few years of getting sober, he lost his daughter and sponsor within the same year. At that point, after such grief, there was nothing anybody could do for him to help him remain sober. His sobriety had come down to just between he and God.
Thursday was Jacob's one week post operation check-up with the doctor. Gracie went along with Audrey and Jacob into the examining room where the nurse carefully inspected Jacob's stitches for infections and to ensure he is healing correctly. Gracie listen intently as the nurse told Audrey that the tissue was healing fine and to continue placing neosorin directly on the stitches so that the tissue would not get infected and not scar. Later that afternoon Gracie asked Audrey with deep concern and confusion, "Mama, why does Jacob have Kleenex on his bootie?" Bewildered at Gracie's question, Audrey asked Gracie what she was talking about. "Mama! the nurse told you to put medicine on Jacob's kleenex."
Here a couple of pics from the day of Jacob's procedure at Valley Children's Hospital.
Friday, August 08, 2008
As I was driving to work this morning I found myself dwelling on a list of things that were literally sucking the joy out of me. This is a pretty regular thing with me. My wife is irritated at me this morning, I don’t have enough money to do some of the things I would like to do this weekend, I have a list of chores I need to get done at home and work and I am feeling pretty tired; poor, poor me. Then it occurred to me; I am alive. I am alive! It's Friday, there are blue skies above and I am alive! I all of the sudden had this urge to slam on the breaks of my car, call in sick for work and turn around and be free and alive for the rest of the day. I didn’t though, something about responsibility kicked in. So here I am at work doing something irresponsible like blogging on the clock. My point is this, I think we (me most of all) get so bogged down with things to do, places to be, and commitments to fill, that we forget that we are alive. That is a horrible thing to forget. It is such a special gift, yet we take it for granted all of the time.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I heard a great story last night at my AA meeting. This guy, who I will call Sober Joe, was sharing about a detox hospital he was in 15 years ago. His sponsor and counselor was a Priest. After about 60 days of sobriety, Sober Joe asked the Priest a question.
He asked, “when will things begin to change in life for the better?”
The priest asked, “what do you mean?”
“I don’t know, I just want to know when things will get better”.
The Priest asked “ Are you mad?”
“No. I don’t think so…Well maybe”
”At God?” Inquired the Priest.
“No!”
”Are sure? Not even a little bit?”
“ Well maybe.”
“Well tell him” the priest insisted.
(This is where the story got funny)
Sober Joe then tells the Priest “Are you fucking kidding me? I am not telling God that I am fucking mad at him, your fucking nuts! That’s fucking crazy!”
The priest’s only response was “ Why not? He has big shoulders."
These guys crack me up with some of their stories. Some stories are heart breaking and painful, but others are comical like that one. This is such a diverse group of guys too. They are retired teachers, cops, bikers, parolees, homeless people, divorcees, and more. As different as our backgrounds may be, we all have this in common, we are all admitted drunks, misfits and ragamuffins with the desire to not drink.
He asked, “when will things begin to change in life for the better?”
The priest asked, “what do you mean?”
“I don’t know, I just want to know when things will get better”.
The Priest asked “ Are you mad?”
“No. I don’t think so…Well maybe”
”At God?” Inquired the Priest.
“No!”
”Are sure? Not even a little bit?”
“ Well maybe.”
“Well tell him” the priest insisted.
(This is where the story got funny)
Sober Joe then tells the Priest “Are you fucking kidding me? I am not telling God that I am fucking mad at him, your fucking nuts! That’s fucking crazy!”
The priest’s only response was “ Why not? He has big shoulders."
These guys crack me up with some of their stories. Some stories are heart breaking and painful, but others are comical like that one. This is such a diverse group of guys too. They are retired teachers, cops, bikers, parolees, homeless people, divorcees, and more. As different as our backgrounds may be, we all have this in common, we are all admitted drunks, misfits and ragamuffins with the desire to not drink.
