Spilt Wine

Final score for the week;
Wrote 2 warrants
3 arrests
1 court appearance
4 painstaking reports (25 pages +)

Today, Andy I and I leave for San Francisco. Tonight we will be rock’n out at the Metric concert. I am excited because I get to see my two best friends,
Super friends Will and Jason. It is not often we get to hang out. Even though they live only 4 hours away, it is hard to find time in all of our busy schedules to get together. We are lucky when two of us get together, but when all three of us get together, it is a special treat, usually saved for holidays.

As much as I am looking forward to this afternoon and night, It still feels a little empty. It never feels the same when you do things you really enjoy without the one you love. I feel this way when I am back packing. As much as I love it and enjoy it, there are those moments when I think, man, if only Audrey was here to share this experience. Tonight, I am sure we will see some neat things, eat at a nice restaurant, and have a good time, and I will think, man, I wish Audrey was here to share in this.

As I was driving to work this morning, I saw a run away cow. This cow was trotting along side the railroad tracks. The nearest dairy was at least a of couple miles. It was just odd to see him by himself running next to train tracks, as if he was running from his impending doom. The dreadful doom of becoming some rich guy's filet mignon, some middle class guy’s T-Bone steak, some poor man's beef stew or maybe Ronald McDonald’s double cheese burger.

Maybe, he is running from the day- to-day experiences of seeing the same old cows, eating the same old hay, living in the same old place.

Run Cow, Run! I want you to Run, because I can’t!

I am sick.
Body aching it hurts to cough
Fever running, my eyes are burning
Struggling to breath through this congestedness
Body thrown into a state of violent shivers, nothing seemed to warm my body
Hours later, I found myself swimming in a pool of sweat, nothing seemed to cool me down.

It has been cold and foggy as of late. The beautiful winter we were experiencing has gone away, no more spectacular views of the Sierra Nevada’s.

Campaigning has started for local government too. I went to breakfast with a couple of retried probation officers and a guy who is running for the Distract One Board of Supervisors seat. The guy seemed nice. I admire his grass roots approach to his campaigning. I don’t think any of the other candidates will be asking to take me out to breakfast any time soon. It was cool of him to give this 26 year old kid some of his time. Where most of these local politicians just rub shoulders with other dignitaries and the wealthy.

After work yesterday, I picked up some Chinese food, and a couple of movies. Audrey and I ate our dinner on the couch and watch Seabiscuit. Audrey thinks I was crying at the end of the movie, but I wasn’t. I must of gotten an eyelash or something in my eye. I am ok now, I go it out.

It is up in the air if Greg, Scott, Tony, Brian and I are still going to the Fresno State Basketball game tonight. I don’t feel well, and I maybe coming down with something, so it will soot me just fine staying home tonight.

Gilbert the Super Cat v.s. Toonces the cat that could drive.




V.S.





Your thoughts......

As I left my house this morning to meet Russ, I heard a strange sound as I started my truck. My first thought was, great, something is wrong with the motor. Then I listened to it and it seemed fine. I even gave it some gas once or twice to make sure the hum of the engine was normal, which it was.

Then I had a second thought. The across the street neighbor has a black cat named Gilbert. Gilbert is always in our garage and yard. In the spring, if we leave our front door open, he just invites himself in. I wondered if Gilbert was up inside my engine when I started the truck? What a mess that will be I thought. So, I slowly backed out of my drive way looking to see if there was a pool of blood. There was none, so off to meet Russ I went. I drove approximately 5 to 6 miles to the church to meet Russ, driving at speeds of sometimes 50 miles per hour.

Once at the church, I went in to meet Russ, who was on a long distant phone call with an old friend. As I waited for Russ, I read a bit, and just kinda hung out, then the old man who makes the sermon tapes came into the office and told me that I had a cat hanging from underneath my truck.

My heart sank. I knew it was Gilbert. I went out front to take a peak and saw Gilberts back legs and tail hanging from the engine of the truck. “Crap” I thought, how am I going to get him unstuck. I went back inside the church to wait for Russ to finish his phone call so that he could help me.

As I was waiting for Russ to get off of the phone I came up with an idea. Russ and I could take my truck to a dirt road and drive it fast and hard hoping it would knock the cat loose. Then we could just dig a hole and bury him.

I went outside again to see if I could tell how stuck the cat really was. To my amazement, I saw Gilbert sitting under my Truck. He was alive? How could it be? I got a box and placed him in the box. He could walk and was bleeding a bit, but nothing too bad. Nothing I would think would need a Vets attention. I asked Russ if he would go with me to the owner’s house to explain what had happen. Russ agreed to go. As we were pulling up to the house I ran over the curb, causing the truck to jump. I don’t think that help the head ache Gilbert was already experiencing.

As I knocked on the owner’s door, my heart was beating and my hands were sweating. I tried to explain in a very tactful way what had happen to their family pet. How he was dragged underneath my truck for 6 miles. Terra, the cats owner took it well and said, “That’s ok, I ran over Gilbert last summer.” and “The cat we had before Gilbert, I turned on the dryer without knowing he was in there for about 30 minutes. He turned out fine”
I guess cats really do have 9 lives.

Driving to work after another raining night, I notice a very large puddle. It was fairly large, large enough to catch my attention. This puddle was still, reflecting the gray sky above and a walnut tree, of which, it was in front of.
The image of the tree has stuck with me for a couple of days now. The tree looked dead. Lifeless like firewood waiting to be cut and stacked. Yet, when spring arrives, it comes back to life. The tree awakes from its hibernation.

I look in the mirror sometimes a see a lifeless creature. A soul in hibernation. No matter how much water my soul receives, it still looks all dried up. No fresh fruit to give and share. No leaves to provide shade to others. Just a bunch of firewood waiting to be cut and burned.

Spent the Saturday at the snow with Jeremy, Derek, Dan, their girlfriends (one fiancé) and about 15 high school kids. This was after a late night of rock’n and roll’n. Friday night was a good time, I miss hanging out and watching local bands. Jeremy and Derek are true rock stars and I want to be one of their groupies.
I enjoyed kicking it in the parking lot after the show with Jeremy, Renelle, Derek, Stephanie, and Chris listening to Metric, and Sebadoh. Good Times.

The Tri-Ad was formed between Jeremy, Derek and I after Dan started pelting us with snow balls. I took several hits to the head and one in the mouth by Dan. Though we may of lost the snow ball war, the Tri-Ad will always remain true and united.

All of this fun really wore me out. Though I’m not all that much older than these guys, 6 years at the most and 3 the least, I can’t keep up. These guys made feel 20 again, but my body today reminds me that I am going on 27.

What I found amazing about the whole thing, is how much I have changed in a course of 6 and ½ years. 6 years ago, I was going to school, swimming, parting, and had no really worries or responsibilities. If someone told me that in 6 years, I would have started my career, be married and have a home with a child on the way, I would of laughed.

How did all this happen so fast. 20 seems just like yesterday. 6 years is nothing. I am scared to even think what will be different 6 years from now.

My thoughts are cold
This sure seems old
Serenity is always a goal
History is a nasty pill
That I will refuse to swallow
How could this be allowed

Take my apology
I don’t understand your biology
The love that turned into a tragedy
Tragedy that become a majesty

Hard to believe that after all this time
Nothing has changed and I am still in line
It’s hard to avoid strife
In a heart broken life

I saw the movie Big Fish with Audrey and our friends Jeff and Nicole. Jason was right, it is a tear jerker. I often find my own father a mystery, longing to know the real him. Over the last 2 years, I have began to learn more about my father. I have learned that his 28 year marriage to my mother is actually his 3rd marriage. He told me he was a pitcher in the minor league. He has told me that he was in the Special Forces during Vietnam, and that he was also a Drill Instructor for a while. Do I have any proof of any of the events? No, not really. I only have his word, and my childish desire to see my father as a hero.

I have also been wondering about my story. What is it to be exactly? I don’t really have all that much to share. What events will come down my path, and how will my story end? I think I know how I want it to end. I want it to end with all my friends there. I want to also know at the end, that I was a good person. I guess what I am trying to say is that at the end of my story, I just want validation of my existence. That I did good. That I made a difference. And that people are glad that I came along.

Anyhow, great movie.

“I’m thinking about that love you have for humanity. I sound like a GEEZER, but it's that loss that saddens me. We could have a pretty awesome civilization if it were based on love. it certainly isn’t and I wonder if it would be as cool as it sounds. it's like the idea of heaven. Sounds cooler than reality. I mean really, I like the idea of pain. I like the idea of sadness. of hurt. of a broken heart. of art from sadness. this would all be gone in heaven wouldn’t it? I would get tired of all that love after a while. I'd want to mix it up, and then god would get all pissed at me. I don’t want to go through eternity with God all pissed at me now do I? but, I don’t want to live at Disneyland either. I like drama too much. Isn’t the bible based from the beginning on drama?” - Json

I have been thinking about what you have said here and I am perplexed. I began to think how weird it would be in Heaven, without any sadness. I have always been taught that there is no morning in Heaven and it is a place of peace, joy, celebration and worship. But, you bring up a good point, could I get bored with that? After a while, what would I have to make me feel alive. Of course love, joy, celebration, and peace makes one feel alive, but only because we have conflicting feelings on earth, sadness, hate, stress, and guilt. So with that, life is always a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, therefore, you can’t help but feel alive. You can’t fall into being complacent. Though, I guess you are not really alive anymore in the sense of flesh and blood in Heaven. And to tell you the truth, I really don’t know if the streets are really paved with gold and that we all will receive crowns. I do know this, it is the up-side down Kingdom, and not much makes sense when you try to compare it to the world we live in now.

I really like this song, it has become my theme song lately.

i am a scientist - i seek to understand me
all of my impurities and evils yet unknown
i am a journalist - i write to you to show you
i am an incurable
and nothing else behaves like me

and i know what's right
but i'm losing sight
of the clues for which i search and choose
to abuse
to just unlock my mind
yeah, and just unlock my mind

i am a pharmacist
prescriptions i will fill you
potions, pills and medicines
to ease your painful lives
i am a lost soul
i shoot myself with rock & roll
the hole i dig is bottomless
but nothing else can set me free

and i know what's right
but i'm losing sight
of the clues for which i search and choose
to abuse
to just unlock my mind
yeah, and just unlock my mind

i am a scientist - i seek to understand me
i am an incurable and nothing else behaves like me

everything is right
everything works out right
everything fades from sight
because that's alright with me - I am a scientist, by Guided by Voices

2003 In Review

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
I procreated a child.
I was promoted to Deputy Probation Officer.
Climbed Mt. Whitney.
Grew a beard twice, and shaved it twice.
Started blogging, thanks to Tim and Russ.

FRIENDS:
I became closer friends with Russ, Tim and Scott.
(Hanging out Halloween night was a blast)
My friendship Jason and Will was resurrected and has become much more then I
ever thought a couple of guys could have.
(Hanging out with Jason, Metra, and Will in San Francisco, and at my house
was a high light this year)


PLACES VISITED AND MEMORABLE EVENTS:
Got to hang out in San Francisco a couple of times with Jason and Will.
Flew in Audrey’s dad’s plan for the first time, got to kind of fly it ( I
got to steer)
Camping with Audrey and the Shires.
(Teaching Brian how to fish and watching him catch his first fish)
Trip to the coast with the Shires (Pirates Cove).
Had foreign exchange students for a couple of weeks from Korea.
Drinking Wine with Travis, Crista, Andy, Stacey, and Audrey at the Wild
Flower Café in Exeter.
Spending a month in Sacramento and Salmon fishing with Donny.
Saw the Foo Fighters with Rick and Cydney.

BOOKS THAT I READ THIS YEAR:
Mere Christianity
The Search To Belong
The Hobbit
Wild at Heart
Blood on the Risers
His Needs Her Needs
Babyhood
Pregnant Father
Chicken Hawk


MOVIES OF 2004:
Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers and Return of the King
Matrix, Reloaded and Revolution
Pirates of the Caribbean

It was a good year! Cheers to 2004!

The storm is coming.
Looking at the sky, I notice it is darker then the asphalt that I am driving
on.
Birds are silent and the air is still. So quite I can hear the last of the
leaves fall to the ground.
Soggy dead leaves under my feet. Dampen concrete turned to a darker gray, but
not as dark as the sky above.